waking up

Was it a dream?
You pinched me, but I still wonder as I lie awake in this empty bed.
My fingers entwined with yours, so effortlessly.
With the simplest touch, a roller-coaster of butterflies nearly forgotten.
Though hoped for, I never expected anything from you.
Left behind with the flowers you bought for your "friend".
Miles away but I can still hear your voice in my head.
Feel your caress on my neck and the ache to my core.
I can't sleep anymore.
I need to, but I don't want to forget.

know.

I don't know if he will ever have feelings for me again.
I don't know if our ship has passed.
I don't know if it would even work out.

All I know is that I have to try.
I can't ignore these ancient feelings.
And that I'm terrified.

Please.

"I'll be there waiting.."

I purchased my flight tickets for San Francisco tonight and so now I'm really getting excited! I've never flown before, so I'm sure I'll get nervous when it comes time to fly, but I can't let that hold me back! I've been feeling such a range of emotions as of late, but I've never been unsure about wanting to go on this trip. One of my very favorite people will be waiting at the airport for me, and I just couldn't be more happy about that. Especially now that the tickets are purchased, there's no looking back!

new place?

Since GoogleReader is shutting down in July, I've decided to give Bloglovin a try! What are the rest of you lovelies doing about this?!

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Next?

1. Lose 50 lbs

2. Run half marathon

3. Zumba!

4. Buy a laptop with Windows 8 (I'm scared of the new Windows!)

5. Visit Sean in San Fran

6. Visit Binny in Cedar

7. Boston/Salem, MA?

8. Travel more!

9. Take more photos

10. Get my spirituality back

11. School (see counselor)

12. Be alone and be ok with it!

13. Figure out who I am!

It's scary, but I'm amazing and I can do it.

green..

We got news yesterday that two of our closest friends are expecting their first baby together. I'm so happy for them, but I'm having a little pity party right now.. I was surprised to hear Cody say that he is jealous when we were getting ready for bed last night. Then started the inevitable "maybe we should just do it and figure things out later" conversation. I know that it would most likely be ok for us to do that, but I still get anxiety thinking about it. We've considered doing that several times in the past, but we always chicken-out at the last minute. I was feeling extra tender last night when we were talking about it, but my attitude was wrong.. I wish I had suggested we pray about it instead of feeling negative. As a couple, the only time we've relied on prayer for decisions was deciding whether or not to get married.

Cody is a negative person and is constantly making himself stressed because of things that are out of his control. Starting a family has got to be up there on that scale, so I don't expect him to be mister optimistic about it. But as a woman, I can't help but think that his reluctance has something to do with his feelings about me as a potential mother. Or what if he's worried we won't stay together? We've been married for almost 7 years now, so I think that we're staying together. But having a baby can change everything. I worry about being a mother too, but I can't help but think that it's what I'm meant to do. Not just because it's what the church expects of me. I know that's where I want to be someday.

Even though I'm feeling a little down about this, I know that having such close friends start their family will definitely be eye-opening for us. Especially since they've been married for 2 years, compared to our almost 7 years. Feeling negative and worried is not what Heavenly Father wants us to feel like when considering starting our family, so I know these feelings are not coming from Him. We definitely need to get our priorities in order and pray about what to do.

Unexpected

Last year, my cousin committed suicide. Honestly, I wasn't very close to him, but we had spent a lot of time together when we were younger, so I still felt close to him. The sorrow I felt was mostly for his family and the pain that they had gone through, as I'm sure they continue to go through. Once the initial shock wore off, I wasn't expecting to continue to dwell on what had happened. Suicide affects everyone, but I had never known anyone personally to have gone through that. I realized pretty quickly that it had affected me more than I could see myself. Even though I am desensitized to most violence in movies and television, I have a very hard time handling suicide in the media. Especially when it comes to the way that he died. Even more unexpected for me was that I have trouble watching zombie shows for the same reason. With the rising popularity of the zombie trend, I'm encountering this more and more. I didn't type this up for sympathy... I just wanted to get it out of my mind. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I felt like this would be a good outlet. His family is coping with the loss, but I know they will never be the same with such a violent and sudden ending to his life. This has made me more painfully aware of the responsibility we have as citizens to pay attention to our surroundings and the people who share in our lives. Blaming is the wrong thing to do in this situation; we need to press forward with a renewed hope of helping those around us to be happy.