Unexpected

Last year, my cousin committed suicide. Honestly, I wasn't very close to him, but we had spent a lot of time together when we were younger, so I still felt close to him. The sorrow I felt was mostly for his family and the pain that they had gone through, as I'm sure they continue to go through. Once the initial shock wore off, I wasn't expecting to continue to dwell on what had happened. Suicide affects everyone, but I had never known anyone personally to have gone through that. I realized pretty quickly that it had affected me more than I could see myself. Even though I am desensitized to most violence in movies and television, I have a very hard time handling suicide in the media. Especially when it comes to the way that he died. Even more unexpected for me was that I have trouble watching zombie shows for the same reason. With the rising popularity of the zombie trend, I'm encountering this more and more. I didn't type this up for sympathy... I just wanted to get it out of my mind. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I felt like this would be a good outlet. His family is coping with the loss, but I know they will never be the same with such a violent and sudden ending to his life. This has made me more painfully aware of the responsibility we have as citizens to pay attention to our surroundings and the people who share in our lives. Blaming is the wrong thing to do in this situation; we need to press forward with a renewed hope of helping those around us to be happy.

2 hours..

I got the call last night that AMP is finished for the year. My first thought was "I FINALLY HAVE EVENINGS/WEEKENDS OFF!!" and then I thought about missing out on two hours of work per day .. Honestly, I think we'll be ok. I've decided I'm going to keep looking for something full time. Nu Skin hasn't worked out quite the way I would have liked, but that's not really their fault either. I stayed with Nu Skin in the hopes that I could eventually switch to full-time. They have given me two more hours (bringing my daily total up to 6!!), but that's probably not going to cut it.

I would give anything to just not have to work anymore, but that's definitely not happening any time soon. I might as well try to find something paying more so we can pay off debt and get in a better place financially. My dad has expressed to me that any income from me should be treated as a gift since Cody should be the sole provider in our marriage .. Even though we both agree that it is Cody's responsibility, the debt we are in is due to decisions we made together. Paying it off will have to be a team effort, as was acquiring the debt in the first place. I love my job with Nu Skin so much, but I don't think it's going to work out perfectly like I planned.

Here is my Pros/Cons list for this new situation!
Pros: evenings and weekends off, more time with Cody, more time to focus on my calling, more time to clean, I can make dinner for Cody, and possibly reinstate movie night?
Cons: less money and I'll miss my old co-workers, I might have to leave Nu Skin.

I'm sure there are more cons to losing this job, but I can't think of them right now. I have an appointment to donate plasma next Monday, so I'm hoping that will be able to help out with the money part. I should have enough time to donate twice a week if I take the earlier appointments (it takes up to two hours!!).

In other news, my cousin Sam passed away over the weekend, so I might be going to his viewing Thursday evening and then I'm going to his funeral Friday morning. I wasn't planning on going to the viewing until I found out AMP doesn't need me anymore, so I'm hoping to do both. Sam and I weren't very close the last few years of his life, but more than anything I just can't imagine what my Aunt Kim and Uncle Randy must be going through. Unfortunately, he took his own life, and I just can't fathom what that would be like for his family. I never ever thought I would have that happen to anyone I know, let alone a family member, and I just can't stop thinking about what could have been going on his life, what anguish he must have been going through .. I've been praying constantly for comfort and forgiveness for my family. This has struck me a lot harder than I would have anticipated, and it's definitely reminded me how lucky I am to have my family and friends in my life.

Happy Birthday..

Today is my Dad's 53rd birthday. As the day went by, I found that I kept thinking about him. Not surprising considering the influence he's been on my life recently.

He's always played a big part in my life and the choices I've made. I don't know who I would be today if it weren't for his guidance (whether asked for or not) and kind hand while growing up. Aside from the standard fatherly role, he has also played a big part in my interests. To illustrate, here is a list of things that remind me of my Dad:

The Beatles
Styx
The Phantom of the Opera
the clarinet
labrador dogs
brittany spaniel dogs
Boston (the band)
boy scouts
C.S. Lewis
Pepsi
Nu Skin
Chicago (the band)
Louisana
Hershey's Kissables
Ducks Unlimited
General Conference
Mt. Timpanogous
Tears for Fears
High School wrestling
marching band
archery hunts
Lance Armstrong

I could go on.. My father has always played a big part in my life. As long as I can remember, aside from the occassional business trip, he has always been home for dinner and at church on Sunday. Even though it might have been outside his regular comfort zones, he has always magnified his callings in church and his role as father at home.

My father isn't perfect. Neither of my parents are. But it is my experience that he has always done his best to head in that direction. He had the best testimony to lean on growing up, but he also helped in my quest for my own testimony in the gospel. He encouraged me to study the scriptures and pray daily to my Heavenly Father. He encouraged me to not only attend but to actively participate in my seminary and institute classes.

When I wanted to play the flute in elementary school, he presented me with the clarinet he'd played growing up. Though I wasn't excited to play an instrument I hadn't seen much of, I began to develop my musical talent and continued to do so until after high school. I played in my schools marching band for one year, then decided to switch over to the choirs. Even though I had given up on a good thing for me, my father supported me completely in my pursuit of a coveted spot in my schools a capella choir. Nearly a years' worth of voice lessons from my choir teacher, at $20 a pop, and I was granted my senior year to finally be in that choir. I couldn't have been happier, and my father continued to support me by attending concerts and paying for the choir tour to California.

My parents funded my time spent in college at Southern Utah University. Even though my grades were less than ideal, my father's faith in me unwavering, they continued to encourage me to do better and finish my degree.

When I left school early to marry just two months shy of my 20th birthday, my father bit his tongue and gave me away to my young husband. To a young man who might not be able to take care of his little girl. To a proud car lover who had not served a mission for the Lord. My father has continued to support me in the many ups and downs that accompany marriage, complete with the many moves, job changes, home purchases, kitchen renovations, and cars that have blessed my three and a half years as Cody's wife.

Though it's been hard for me to completely understand, my father has helped me learn things for myself and to make mistakes. As I'm sure my father in Heaven has been saddened to be witness to the many mistakes I've made, I know that my father here on earth has endured many moments being concerned for his daughters welfare. And thanks to my freewill, he will undoubtedly spend many many more.

When I came to him for a father's blessing after seeing 12 of my coworkers being laid-off, my father didn't just give me a blessing to say that everything would be ok and that I would find a job immediately. He blessed me with patience and with comfort to help me last until I could find another job. He encouraged me to use this experience to my advantage and to use it to grow as a person. He didn't offer me a job at his company to get me out of the pain I've endured. As hard as the last few months have been for me, I know that I am closer to God, my family, and my husband thanks to not being able to take the easy way out.

As I drove home from work today, listening to The Music of the Night, I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I love my Dad more than I ever thought possible and the emotional roller-coaster that is my life as of late is one of the many reasons I have come to realize this. I can't bear the thought of living without him, yet, as every birthday comes and goes, I know that time is getting closer. I suppose I will have to deal with that when the time comes, but for the now the best I can do is be sure to express my appreciation for the father who has been and will always be by my side, gently prodding me down the right path.


Happy Birthday, Daddy. I will always love you more than you will ever know. I will always be your little girl.

I love friends..

On Thursday, I got to play with my dear friend Aubrey, who was my maid of honor just over two and a half years ago. It was great! Since she doesn't have a car, I picked her up and we just had a small dinner at Wendy's (high class!), then went back to my house to watch Baby Mama. It was a pretty funny movie, a little better than I thought it would be! During dinner, we got caught up a little and she is so cute! She just graduated and is working at Sears. All of her friends are starting to date boys more seriously, and she is feeling a lot of pressure from them to do the same. She feels that she should just go to school and try to grow up and find herself right now..And I couldn't agree more! Getting married so young, I definitely feel that I missed out on a few experiences that would've helped me mature a little more. But since that ship has already passed, all I can do is give advice to my younger friends. She is definitely not lacking in the physical department; she is very cute and funny. So, when the time comes, I don't think she'll have any problem finding a man to love. But she isn't as "outgoing" as her friends are and she just doesn't feel comfortable getting into it this soon. Her family is from Canada, and she would like to attend a University up there. She isn't sure she's ready to go that far away from home just yet, so she is considering attending a smaller one here, then transferring up there later. I think that's awesome! I just want her to be happy, ya know?! I want her to be able to get out there and have some fun before she settles down. Whatever she does, she knows I'll be here for her. That's all that matters, right? She just needs people to be supportive! Anyway, great night!

I also got to have a date with my Mom, and it was very nice. We went to Applebees, and then went to Mamma Mia. I enjoyed that movie! It wasn't the best movie ever, but I was very entertained! My Mom has always loved ABBA music, so of course she loved it! I didn't end up talking to her about anything...I was hoping that during dinner I'd be able to bring something up. But the opportunity never presented itself, and I just don't know how she is going to react. I love my Mom so much..I just want her to be happy and to know that I love her. I even got teary-eyed during the movie; just thinking about all of the music and memories we have shared together. I think, to get everything out, I need to just write her a letter. I know I should talk to her..but I know I'll start crying, and then she'll start crying. It will be a big mess! I think I will write her a letter. Does that make me a coward? My Dad's talk was a big step for him..Aside from an FHE discussions, he never says things like that. I am the same way. I tell Cody I love him all of the time. But that's because we've always been open like that. If I have a problem with him, that's where I get shy. *sigh* I'll figure it out.

I had a great week. My back has been bugging me, but thanks to my Mom and an ice pack, it should get feeling better soon. It's happened before, my Grandma blames it on soda..but I've really been cutting back on that this month, so with all due respect, I don't think that's the problem. OH! I've been counting calories this week! It just amazes me how much I used to eat! I've been doing pretty well. I went over my goal a few days, but it helps to just pay attention. Since the "health challenge" we had at work in July, I've lost and kept off 5 lbs. It's not a lot, but considering how much physical activity I've taken part in since then...which is NOT MUCH, that's pretty good! Well, I'm going to go watch Friends...Toodles!

Edit: I love Cody so much...Have I ever put that in here? Well, I do! Marriage comes with it's ups and downs, but the ups are so awesome. I just didn't want this post sound negative at all. But, in case it did, that wasn't my intention! :)

under construction...(long post!)

We're finally covered by insurance! After being without for our whole marriage (yeah, only two years..), I finally got some insurance from my work! I feel so relieved to finally be able to go to the doctor if we need it! No, we're not pregnant...everyone asks me that when I say that we just got insurance! (weird!)

I went to Denver with the fam damily in April to visit some friends of the family for a few days. I didn't realize how much I needed a vacation until I was over there, it was very nice. Plus, it's so beautiful over there! Pat and Mark were so nice to entertain us and be the hosts! I thoroughly enjoyed myself! Here's a pic of Jeremy and I at one of the monuments at Garden of the Gods. Beautiful national park!















Writing has been slow..I really want to expand on writing about my Grandmother. I'm in the process of getting the answering machine message from my mom and see if I can conjure up some more memories of her. My brother Kris said that I made him remember a lot, so as long as I can get my family to at least remember more, it will be time well spent. I don't want to kid myself, but I also don't want to discourage myself from expressing myself and possibly getting published someday. We'll see.

The little brother Jeremy got a snare position on the drumline at school. I'm so proud of him! I'd hate to see all the table-drumming to go to waste! :P He is also becoming a lot better with the guitar and I get bombarded with new songs every time I see him. When he really loves something, he just dives right in!

We're doing a physical wellness program at work (seeing as how we're a sit-down-company mostly) and I'm taking part in it. If we exercise at least three hours per week (monday-sunday), we get a raffle ticket towards a prize (I have yet to find out what it is). Even if I don't win, I don't see a problem with becoming more active! Just one step closer to feeling better about myself! Not that I'm depressed, or anything that major.. I just remember when I was happier with myself physically, and I want that again!

I started the next book in the series I'm reading and it's great! I thought I was just being a bad reader, but I had the hardest time finishing Voyager. It was a very good book, don't get me wrong. I guess I just started losing interest in the storyline. With Drums of Autumn, I'm getting caught up with some characters who weren't focused on as much in Voyager, and they are providing a fresh new story to spice things up! I love these books! Diana Gabaldon just has such a talent with describing scenery, characters, and situations that I just can't put the books down! I feel like I have the movies in my head through the whole thing and it's great!

As for the title of this post...our house is under construction right now. Currently, Cody is completely redoing out utility/laundry room. It started with wanting to redecorate the kitchen. To do that, we needed to move the gas lines as we wanted to move the stove. After the gas line was finished, the floor was ruined, and we decided we wanted to close in the furnace and water heater. We framed that in, and are now in the process of redoing the walls (still deciding on paint color and texture). Next up will be tile flooring, and then moving the washer/dryer back in officially. Once that's finished, we will evaluate our financial situation and begin gutting out the kitchen. We've already been without a stove for the past 3 weeks, so being without the entire kitchen shouldn't be too much of an adjustment (hint of sarcasm? cha.) I'm pretty confident in Cody's abilities seeing as how he finished the utility room by himself (mostly), so the kitchen shouldn't be too hard for him. I did, however, insist on asking family members/friends to help him do the kitchen so it will go faster. We also started taking off the back mudroom, so if you were to drive past our house, it would look like a bomb exploded back there...We have yet to finish that up, but we're also hoping to paint the exterior maybe later this summer, so that can wait. All I have to say is if our house value doesn't go up after all of these updates, I'm gonna hurt someone..*sigh*