waking up

Was it a dream?
You pinched me, but I still wonder as I lie awake in this empty bed.
My fingers entwined with yours, so effortlessly.
With the simplest touch, a roller-coaster of butterflies nearly forgotten.
Though hoped for, I never expected anything from you.
Left behind with the flowers you bought for your "friend".
Miles away but I can still hear your voice in my head.
Feel your caress on my neck and the ache to my core.
I can't sleep anymore.
I need to, but I don't want to forget.

know.

I don't know if he will ever have feelings for me again.
I don't know if our ship has passed.
I don't know if it would even work out.

All I know is that I have to try.
I can't ignore these ancient feelings.
And that I'm terrified.

Please.

"I'll be there waiting.."

I purchased my flight tickets for San Francisco tonight and so now I'm really getting excited! I've never flown before, so I'm sure I'll get nervous when it comes time to fly, but I can't let that hold me back! I've been feeling such a range of emotions as of late, but I've never been unsure about wanting to go on this trip. One of my very favorite people will be waiting at the airport for me, and I just couldn't be more happy about that. Especially now that the tickets are purchased, there's no looking back!

new place?

Since GoogleReader is shutting down in July, I've decided to give Bloglovin a try! What are the rest of you lovelies doing about this?!

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Next?

1. Lose 50 lbs

2. Run half marathon

3. Zumba!

4. Buy a laptop with Windows 8 (I'm scared of the new Windows!)

5. Visit Sean in San Fran

6. Visit Binny in Cedar

7. Boston/Salem, MA?

8. Travel more!

9. Take more photos

10. Get my spirituality back

11. School (see counselor)

12. Be alone and be ok with it!

13. Figure out who I am!

It's scary, but I'm amazing and I can do it.

green..

We got news yesterday that two of our closest friends are expecting their first baby together. I'm so happy for them, but I'm having a little pity party right now.. I was surprised to hear Cody say that he is jealous when we were getting ready for bed last night. Then started the inevitable "maybe we should just do it and figure things out later" conversation. I know that it would most likely be ok for us to do that, but I still get anxiety thinking about it. We've considered doing that several times in the past, but we always chicken-out at the last minute. I was feeling extra tender last night when we were talking about it, but my attitude was wrong.. I wish I had suggested we pray about it instead of feeling negative. As a couple, the only time we've relied on prayer for decisions was deciding whether or not to get married.

Cody is a negative person and is constantly making himself stressed because of things that are out of his control. Starting a family has got to be up there on that scale, so I don't expect him to be mister optimistic about it. But as a woman, I can't help but think that his reluctance has something to do with his feelings about me as a potential mother. Or what if he's worried we won't stay together? We've been married for almost 7 years now, so I think that we're staying together. But having a baby can change everything. I worry about being a mother too, but I can't help but think that it's what I'm meant to do. Not just because it's what the church expects of me. I know that's where I want to be someday.

Even though I'm feeling a little down about this, I know that having such close friends start their family will definitely be eye-opening for us. Especially since they've been married for 2 years, compared to our almost 7 years. Feeling negative and worried is not what Heavenly Father wants us to feel like when considering starting our family, so I know these feelings are not coming from Him. We definitely need to get our priorities in order and pray about what to do.

Unexpected

Last year, my cousin committed suicide. Honestly, I wasn't very close to him, but we had spent a lot of time together when we were younger, so I still felt close to him. The sorrow I felt was mostly for his family and the pain that they had gone through, as I'm sure they continue to go through. Once the initial shock wore off, I wasn't expecting to continue to dwell on what had happened. Suicide affects everyone, but I had never known anyone personally to have gone through that. I realized pretty quickly that it had affected me more than I could see myself. Even though I am desensitized to most violence in movies and television, I have a very hard time handling suicide in the media. Especially when it comes to the way that he died. Even more unexpected for me was that I have trouble watching zombie shows for the same reason. With the rising popularity of the zombie trend, I'm encountering this more and more. I didn't type this up for sympathy... I just wanted to get it out of my mind. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I felt like this would be a good outlet. His family is coping with the loss, but I know they will never be the same with such a violent and sudden ending to his life. This has made me more painfully aware of the responsibility we have as citizens to pay attention to our surroundings and the people who share in our lives. Blaming is the wrong thing to do in this situation; we need to press forward with a renewed hope of helping those around us to be happy.

Titanic 3D

Last night I ventured up to Sandy to see Titanic in IMAX 3D and it was pretty great! I had forgotten how much I enjoy that movie, but it really helped to see it on the BIG SCREEN and see it with more adult eyes..

When I first saw it when I was 13 *gasp* I was sucked into the Jack and Rose romance and their relationship/separation were the reasons why I cried. Sure, seeing all those people suffering didn't help, but I was more concerned with how unfair it was that Rose had finally become independent of her mother, then to have Jack *SPOILER* die. Oh, to be young again.

As I watched it last night, I realized that their story would be very sad if it had, in fact, actually happened. But it didn't! Of course I cried, but I noticed that the waterworks stopped once the attention was just focused on Jack and Rose. I just don't care about the fictional characters anymore. And I don't know if I can attribute that to the natural maturing that has occured in the past years or just that I actually care about the events that took place on that terrible night. I would say the latter, because I have actually become pretty interested in passenger accounts and reading about the ship itself.

All in all, it was a very enjoyable night! I knew when to avert my eyes and I remember now how much I love that movie. James Cameron is a little overrated, in my opinion. BUT I do believe he did a spectacular job with this movie. Was remaking it really necessary? Maybe not. But I sure enjoyed it!

Day One: Love is Patient.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. -Ephesians 4:2

"Love is built on two pillars that best define what it is. Those pillars are patience and kindness. All other characteristics of love are extensions of these two attributes. And that's where your dare will begin."

"The irony of anger toward a wrongful action is that it spawns new wrongs of its own. Anger almost never makes things better. In fact, it usually generates additional problems. But patience stops problems in their tracks. More than biting your lip, more than clapping a hand over your mouth, patience is a deep breath. It clears the air.. It is a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you, and shows discretion instead of returning evil for evil."

"Do you find that anger is your emotional default when treated unfairly? If so, you are spreading poison rather than medicine."

He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly. -Proverbs 14:29

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute. -Proverbs 15:18

"Patience is where love meets wisdom. And every marriage needs that combination to stay healthy."

"Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails."

For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your mate? Were you tempted to think disapproving thoughts and to let them come out in words?


I didn't actually have a lot of opportunity to accomplish my dare today. There were a few times that he got on my nerves and I didn't actually handle it very well. I'd like to extend this to tomorrow and see how it goes. Cody isn't actually the one in our marriage who makes the most mistakes.. but he does require a lot of patience when it comes to wanting my attention or for me to laugh at him. 

Love Dare

I never thought that having a spouse not involved in my religion (for the last few years of our marriage) would really control the way that I chose to be involved. Over the years, I've definitely come to find out that's false, but never to this extent. Something I truly believe I should be doing is, at this point, not something I'm allowed to do. Due mainly to our finances, but I believe he isn't allowing it also because he doesn't believe I should have to. To attend the temple, however, this practice is required and I am more than happy to oblige. I've been without the blessings of the temple for over a year now and so I have a hard time not being bitter toward my husband for preventing me. Whenever we argue about it, he cruelly suggests I walk to work and sell our car so that I can do it. Or get another job. Right now, I have a full-time warehouse job. Truth be told, it doesn't pay a lot, but it is full-time. I have also been picking up extra shifts doing data entry for an alarm company. Now that the weather is getting better, I have half a mind to take him up on that suggestion and walk or ride my bike to work. My main job is in the same town we live in, so it wouldn't be hard to do that. But if it came down to that, he wouldn't sell my car because we both love it. The point I want him to see is that the sacrifice is worth it to me. I would gladly walk everywhere if it meant I could attend the temple. And this is where I see how being married to someone who believes differently is hard.

So, I've decided that now would be a good time to try The Love Dare. I've attempted it in the past, but I never got more than 5 days into it. Being bitter and resenting him isn't going to help him find his way back to the church. Patience, love, and understanding will. I've been trying to get him to come back for the last 4 years or so, to no avail.

When I first started typing this, I was on the verge of tears, but now I feel much more calm and I know that means that what I'm about to do is good. Who knows, it might not even give me the exact results I want. But the point is to be more loving and kind towards my husband and maybe he will repay me in kind. I would like to document my progress here, to also help me write more. So wish me luck! I know I cannot do what I am attempting without the Lord's help, and in his own way, I know he will help me.

Gifts for weight-loss?! SURE

I ordered two shirts online from one my favorite bands and they came in the mail today. I tried them on and BIG SHOCKER they're a little tight.. They were on sale, so they didn't have as many sizes; I thought for sure that getting a large would be enough. I gained some weight over the holidays (another BIG SHOCKER), so I'm actually not surprised they don't fit. To help me reach my goals, I'm going to gift-wrap my shirts. When I've lost what I gained over the holidays (roughly 10 lbs, rounding up of course), then I can open them and wear them! Hopefully 10 lbs will be enough. If not, they'll get wrapped again and I'll lose another 10! I think that's fair, considering wearing shirts that are too tight always lowers my self-esteem. The point is, I've been getting too comfortable with my lifestyle, thinking I was at least maintaining my weight (WRONG). So, I've decided that bribing myself with clothes is going to have to be my next tactic. Here are photos of the shirts, bask in the awesomeness, I say!!

*****************EDIT******************

Before photos .. Hopefully to be followed up by awesome after photos! Just a reminder, I am not pregnant! Even though some of these might look like a side profile similar to those done by pregnant women, I am not one of them yet. Don't get too excited haha

everyone else is doing it..

for original source

“For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.


People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.


When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:


1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.


2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.


3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.


4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.


5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying."

November goals?

1. Exercise of some kind 5 days/week! {I always feel obligated to do something amazing everyday, and then I don't.. I just want to do something every day!}
2. No ice cream! {this will be hard, but I think I can do it!}


3. Finish Work and the Glory {I'm almost done with book 8 out of 9!}
4. Start reading the Hobbit, followed by LOTR {purchased on Amazon 5 seconds ago..}


5. Make or buy Christmas for everyone! {I just want to at least get started so I'm not rushing next month..}

2 hours..

I got the call last night that AMP is finished for the year. My first thought was "I FINALLY HAVE EVENINGS/WEEKENDS OFF!!" and then I thought about missing out on two hours of work per day .. Honestly, I think we'll be ok. I've decided I'm going to keep looking for something full time. Nu Skin hasn't worked out quite the way I would have liked, but that's not really their fault either. I stayed with Nu Skin in the hopes that I could eventually switch to full-time. They have given me two more hours (bringing my daily total up to 6!!), but that's probably not going to cut it.

I would give anything to just not have to work anymore, but that's definitely not happening any time soon. I might as well try to find something paying more so we can pay off debt and get in a better place financially. My dad has expressed to me that any income from me should be treated as a gift since Cody should be the sole provider in our marriage .. Even though we both agree that it is Cody's responsibility, the debt we are in is due to decisions we made together. Paying it off will have to be a team effort, as was acquiring the debt in the first place. I love my job with Nu Skin so much, but I don't think it's going to work out perfectly like I planned.

Here is my Pros/Cons list for this new situation!
Pros: evenings and weekends off, more time with Cody, more time to focus on my calling, more time to clean, I can make dinner for Cody, and possibly reinstate movie night?
Cons: less money and I'll miss my old co-workers, I might have to leave Nu Skin.

I'm sure there are more cons to losing this job, but I can't think of them right now. I have an appointment to donate plasma next Monday, so I'm hoping that will be able to help out with the money part. I should have enough time to donate twice a week if I take the earlier appointments (it takes up to two hours!!).

In other news, my cousin Sam passed away over the weekend, so I might be going to his viewing Thursday evening and then I'm going to his funeral Friday morning. I wasn't planning on going to the viewing until I found out AMP doesn't need me anymore, so I'm hoping to do both. Sam and I weren't very close the last few years of his life, but more than anything I just can't imagine what my Aunt Kim and Uncle Randy must be going through. Unfortunately, he took his own life, and I just can't fathom what that would be like for his family. I never ever thought I would have that happen to anyone I know, let alone a family member, and I just can't stop thinking about what could have been going on his life, what anguish he must have been going through .. I've been praying constantly for comfort and forgiveness for my family. This has struck me a lot harder than I would have anticipated, and it's definitely reminded me how lucky I am to have my family and friends in my life.

Shh...

Don't tell anyone, especially not Cody.. But I think I'm baby-hungry again. I know it has a lot to do with reading Mommy blogs and seeing my friends and family having babies.. But I also feel like we should be getting around to this by now. We've been married almost 6 years! I can't tell you how grateful I am that we waited to have kids. I love Cody, always have and always will. But I don't think I could've handled having a kid with the Cody I first married. We've both changed and improved quite a bit and I'm really glad we've had these years to grow together and just be the two of us {with our chickens, of course!}. I know Cody wants to have kids with me and he is excited to have that someday, but he's just so worried about money and being able to provide for a family. And I completely understand that.

I guess where I'm at right now is wanting to be able to trust in the Lord and His timing. I've had so many great examples of faith in my life with my friends and family. I just know that if we completely trust in Him, He will take care of us. I just don't have enough courage for that. I've had some friends say that they prayed about it, decided they were supposed to have a baby, so they did! Even though they didn't have everything planned out, their finances weren't perfect, etc. And it worked out for them! I just wish that Cody and I had that faith.

My goal is to work on myself. I need to start over and get down to the basics of the Gospel. I need to focus on my calling, read the scriptures, pray, and just be a better me. I've been trying so hard to be a good example for Cody, but there are still things that I need to work on for me! My well-being is important too, and I've been so worried about rekindling Cody's testimony, mine is lacking now.. So, there you have it. I am going to work on me and hopefully I'll be back on track soon. I'm also planning on looking around at other job options. I know that if I were to find something that pays a little more, that would only help us on our way to being more financially independent {less debt!!} and it would be good to check around, just in case Nu Skin doesn't end up working out. I love my job so much here, but I want to be prepared.

Bye Bye Summer...

Enter, the Summer of hell.. It began with being laid-off from one my favorite jobs ever in April. I was lucky enough {and I really mean lucky} to find two decent part-time jobs. One with Nu Skin, which has been very very awesome. The second is with AMP Security, doing data entry. The job itself isn't bad at all, I actually enjoy it and it's pretty easy. The downside of this job was that I had to work 5:30-9:30 or 10pm most nights, and I couldn't have Saturdays off. Again, I realize that I am lucky to have found any jobs at all after being laid-off.

I also got called to be a Beehive Advisor in my ward. This calling has been amazing so far and I love the girls and the other leaders I work with. Girls Camp was at the end of June, so I headed up there for a night to help out. That's when I killed my car. I broke the oil pan while I was up the canyon, which then leaked all the way home and the engine was destroyed by the time I made it back to my house. Oil all over the driveway. I called my mom freaking out, and she came to assess the situation. She was a little too optimistic about the situation and said it would be ok. She helped me clean up the driveway and now you can't even tell it had oil all over it at one point. The situation was not ok, as it turned out. The insurance offered to help, but they wanted to total the car. So, even though it's fixed, it is no longer worth anything with it's lovely salvaged title. The money we spent on saving the car was meant for lanscaping the backyard, so we will have to put that off for another year and a half, probably.

Besides just being a rough Summer in general, I feel that our marriage has been tried over and over as well. My weird work schedule started out being ok. I didn't like having to work that late, but it didn't seem to bother Cody too much. Now, he is reaching his breaking point and he just wants me home. I completely understand where he is coming from. First, we just don't have much time to spend together anymore. And then comes the wifely duties.. I'm not home to cook at all and the housework has all but stopped completely since I started these jobs. But I really shouldn't even blame it on work. Truthfully, I have until 12:30pm every day that I could devote to cleaning, but most days I sleep in until around 8am, then proceed to either work out or watch Netflix/Hulu. I do the basics and when something gets really bad, I take care of it.

Besides cooler weather, Halloween, and the coming of the Holiday season, I just want this Summer to end. I want this chapter in my life to be over. Unfortunately, I'm thinking that I was given these trials to learn a lesson and that I may have failed. In other words, this is probably far from over. But at least I'm working on it! Such is life, I suppose.

just another Thursday, I suppose..

Let me just start by saying that I am so grateful that we are not as broke as Cody makes it seem on a regular basis. I could take initiative and look at our bank account sometimes, but still. He makes it seem like if I buy too many groceries that we'll be out on the street.

He bought a nook today. That's right.. We have a library FULL of books yet to be read, and he bought a nook because apparently you can use it as a tablet with a few tweaks. If he decides he likes it, he's going to buy me one. But if he doesn't like it, he'll give it to me to use for ebooks. Gee-wiz!

I realize that he has figured out that I will most likely agree to whatever he decides we should buy. And it's true! If he had called and talked to me about it, I may have rolled my eyes. But I wouldn't have told him no. As long as it's within our limits, I don't see the point in just putting my foot down every time he wants something. It just would've been nice to have been asked. Ya know? I feel obligated to tell him about anything I want to buy aside from groceries and I am rarely granted the same courtesy. And I do get quite a bit of eye-rolling and "really?"-'s when I do decide to get something for myself.

------------------

On a happier note, my boss at NuSkin has let me know that from November through February (whenever my co-worker has her little bundle of joy and goes on maternity-leave), I will be able to be on full-time with them. Great news! I just need to find another part time gig for the mornings in the event that AMP lets me go before November (inevitable, really). But even then, Cody says we could probably makes ends meet for a month or two if we need to. I'm excited to have a full-time schedule for the holidays at least.

Pros and Cons of Owning a Bugatti Veyron (UPDATE: 2011 Super Sport)

Of course, I haven't the slightest idea what it would be like to own such a magnificent vehicle, nor will I ever in my lifetime. BUT! I did a post on this back in 2009 and I wanted to bring it back with updates! After all, they have released the Super Sport edition (SS .. Maybe didn't sound too good, coming from a German car company. Super Sport sounds much better), so why not sing it's praises again?! I love love love this car, oh so much! Other cars have tried to replace it, but it can't be done! Bugatti comes back stronger, faster, and better every year, without fail.. Onward!

Cons: 
Price $2.7 million
City: 8mpg
Highway: 13mpg
$15,000 per year to insure
Tires $36,000 per set
$102,000 to change them, and only in France
Electronically limited to 258 mph, to protect the tires (like 10 miles will help you that much..)

Pros:
1200 horsepower
268 mph top speed
0-60 mph in 2.5 seconds (!!!!)
16 cylinder engine (equivilant to two (2) V8 engines)
Four (4) turbo-chargers
7-Speed DSG transmission
Permanent all-wheel drive
10 radiators
Highest top speed of any "street legal production" car
Radio, cd player, a/c and heating.. just like a regular car!

Brakes?
Made of carbon fiber reinforced silicon carbide composite discs. ABS (anti-lock) is also on the handbrake. Claimed to brake from 250 mph to standstill in 10 seconds. But it takes a third of a mile to reach standstill.

Top Speed?
Hydraulics lower the car to 9cm above the road to hold it closer to the ground once the car reaches 140 mph, while the spoiler deploys providing down-force. To reach top speed, a key on the drivers seat must be turned, then the car decides whether the car and the driver are ready to attempt the top speed. At this point, the rear spoiler goes back in, and then the ground clearance drops to 6.5 cm.

Top Gear praise:
At top speed, it was "totally undramatic" only noting a small wobble when the air brake moved into the vertical position to help slow the car down.
Named "car of the decade" in 2009.
"the greatest piece of engineering ever. No, I'm sorry, this is the greatest car ever made and the greatest we will ever see in our lifetime."
"On a  recent drive across Europe I desperately wanted to reach the top speed, but I ran out of road when the needle hit 240 mph. Where, astonishingly, it felt planted. Totally and utterly rock steady. It felt sublime."
"Utterly, stunningly, mind blowingly, jaw droppingly brilliant." - Jeremy Clarkson in his 2005 review for The Times. (My words are nowhere near witty or clever enough to relay this information. Please do head over to his review, Jeremy has such a way with words..)
Video of James May's first top-speed run with the Veyron back in 2006
Video of Super Sport run with James May (January 2011?)

But, wait! There's more! Bonus Top Gear video of Jeremy Clarkson driving a Relient Robin around .. Hilarity will ensue..

too soon?

I read this over at My So-Called Chaos and I figured I should update my blog with something other than my rants.. SO!

1. What is your favorite holiday?

I would say it's a toss-up between Halloween and Christmas. I remember when I was growing up, my little brother and I would plan our costumes over Summer vacation (it usually changed three or eight times before the actual day, but we were kids..) and it was just so much fun. I didn't stop trick-or-treating until my first year of college (I was 18 at this point). But if you enjoy candy as much as I do (especially FREE candy) and you were as small and I am, you'd do it too! Halloween has always been filled with candy, friends, and bonding with my little brother. Christmas is also my favorite because I love gifts! And more candy! And I love giving to my loved ones.

A good mix of Christmas AND Halloween, wouldn't you say?

2. Do you have any fun Holiday traditions?

Yes! Opening a small gift on Christmas Eve was a common one with us. When we were younger, it was usually a toy of some kind, but we got pj's as well. That night, we would always watch the Savior's birth, and then put out a few cookies and milk for Santa. When we had grown a little more (when I was in Jr. High, I believe), we started having a candlelit dinner with fish, bread, and cheeses. I know that there were probably inaccuracies in our assumptions of the foods eaten in the old days, but it was such an intimate and yummy meal with the family. We still do this one, but not every year. When kids grow up and get married, things change. We would also pick the spot where we wanted Santa to leave our gifts by putting our stockings in that place. I always tried to get a couch spot. Then we would all go downstairs together in the morning to see what we had been given. My little brother and I would always sleep in the same room the night before because we knew we wouldn't be able to sleep.. The ANTICIPATION!!

I remember one thing my little brother and I used to do every Halloween was (weather permitting) gathering all of our candy and getting on the trampoline in the back yard and dividing/sorting everything into their groups.

3. When do you start Christmas shopping?

For the longest time, I always felt like I was rushing to do my shopping because I always waited until after Thanksgiving.. Now I have it figured out! I try to remember all year, but especially around this time, I start to focus on certain people in my life and try to find things for them. That way, if I find a book on sale for my dad around General Conference time, I just get it and then wrap it later. My sister-in-law Heidi has the funniest mom, and she inspired me to start doing this. Whenever I've come to visit them on Christmas morning, I find that they've unwrapped all the most random gifts, and I found out that she just thrifts for everyone all the time. She finds the most amazing things and I would love to be famous for that with my family. It's so much thought and I think they appreciate it. Also, that way I can get stuff online and not have to worry that it won't make it in time! >>

4. What is your favorite Holiday food?

Egg nog! AND Pomegranate! My parents always have a good stock of both, thank heavens, and I just LOVE it!

5. Share a favorite childhood holiday memory..
Another Christmas tradition I forgot to mention is that every Christmas morning, we all come down together to look at the gifts. Then we got dressed while my mother made breakfast (waffles, eggs, bacon, etc.) and then we ate. After everyone had their fill, we all gathered around the tree to open the family gifts. I loved getting new toys and clothes, but my favorite part of Christmas is, by far, seeing my family open their gifts. I just love my friends and family so much, watching them open a present from me or someone else is just so magical.

6. Have you ever actually tried fruitcake?
I think have tried the homemade kind, which was pretty tasty! I've heard the store-bought kind is yucky, so I'm going to hold off on eating that anytime soon.

{heavy heart}

When was the last time you felt like your heart was heavier? That's what I'm feeling right now. And the fact that I feel that way, makes me feel worse because it's ridiculous. I have a great life and I have many many things to be grateful for. Even though I don't want this blog to be rant blog, it's nice to know I have a place to go when I want to get these feelings off my chest, because I worry it wouldn't be understood anywhere else.

I don't even know what I was planning on writing about. I know that I'm falling for all of the tricks Satan is dishing out with feeling discouraged and down on myself. I think I just need a vacation of some kind. Just dealing with ruining my car and the possibility of getting laid-off of AMP (hasn't happened YET), and not reaching my exercise goals this summer.. I just want to go away and not think about anything for a while. When I first killed the car, Cody mentioned going on a short trip somewhere, but nothing ever came of it. Probably a good thing since we ended up having to refinance the car to get the title salvaged. But still..

I have so much to be grateful for and I'm surrounded by supportive friends and family. So feeling this way only makes it worse. I feel really selfish and ungrateful and useless. I'm looking forward to a nice hug from Cody tonight when I get home from work. Here's hoping he's in a good mood so I can get that hug :)