When will I be deserving?
When will I be adult enough, or nice enough?
Double-standard.
I wish I knew if it will get better.
It was earlier today, but the tables turned
somewhere along the way.
What did I ever do to deserve being a child again?
That's right, I'm the drama-queen.
I need to grow up and use my brain.
Think, for once.
I forgot, again.
If things aren't going my way, I want to stop..
Is that so wrong?
YOU ARE THE SAME WAY!
Who doesn't like things when they're not going their way?!
It's been too long, I've already put up with it too much.
How is it fair to have you change it now?
All I have left is His help.
Pick up the pieces of my heart, Lord.
They're too complicated and dramatic for him to see.
Will I ever be enough for him?
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Grandmother..
I could've sworn I woke to sound of your voice this morning. I had been dreaming about spending the night at your house and had left in the midst of your evening prayer. Thanking God for his generous blessings and pleading for the welfare of your loved ones. I could almost feel the warmth of your baby blue electric blanket around my shoulders as my dream disappated.
I smelled your perfume today when I was at the grocery store. I must have spent the next five minutes searching for the source of the smell, coming up disappointed as it left just as suddenly as it had appeared. Tea Rose, a smell I will never forget. How long had that been your scent? As long as I could remember, I had been surrounded with it's comfort when in your company.
Looking back on the years, I can't help but wonder how things would have been had you been here with me. Would the mistakes I'd made have been easier to resist? Would I have been a stronger young woman, stand up for myself and my beliefs? Or, would I have turned away, in the direction of so many of my peers?
I wasn't ready for you to go, but who was? There's no doubt in my mind that you were ready. You'd lived your life in such a way that you were ready at any time. Patience, long-suffering, charity, one of the sweetest spirits ever to grace this world. I daresay we were undeserving of your light in our lives.
I know you are saving a place for us, and so I pray each and every day that we will live up to the potential you see in us. The potential that our Father knows we are capable of.
I'm not ready to go, but thanks to the time I spent in your loving arms, I'm that much closer to you..
At dinner today, I had a roll that looked (and tasted) exactly like the kind she used to serve at her house. Store-bought with the flour on top. At a Chinese-American restaurant named T-Bone. I always seem to remember her when I need her the most. Is that her way of encouraging me to move on and to be better? I like to think so.
I smelled your perfume today when I was at the grocery store. I must have spent the next five minutes searching for the source of the smell, coming up disappointed as it left just as suddenly as it had appeared. Tea Rose, a smell I will never forget. How long had that been your scent? As long as I could remember, I had been surrounded with it's comfort when in your company.
Looking back on the years, I can't help but wonder how things would have been had you been here with me. Would the mistakes I'd made have been easier to resist? Would I have been a stronger young woman, stand up for myself and my beliefs? Or, would I have turned away, in the direction of so many of my peers?
I wasn't ready for you to go, but who was? There's no doubt in my mind that you were ready. You'd lived your life in such a way that you were ready at any time. Patience, long-suffering, charity, one of the sweetest spirits ever to grace this world. I daresay we were undeserving of your light in our lives.
I know you are saving a place for us, and so I pray each and every day that we will live up to the potential you see in us. The potential that our Father knows we are capable of.
I'm not ready to go, but thanks to the time I spent in your loving arms, I'm that much closer to you..
At dinner today, I had a roll that looked (and tasted) exactly like the kind she used to serve at her house. Store-bought with the flour on top. At a Chinese-American restaurant named T-Bone. I always seem to remember her when I need her the most. Is that her way of encouraging me to move on and to be better? I like to think so.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Alternative Energy..
I doubt any of you outside of Utah have heard about this, but I am a pround citizen of a city who has made a huge step in the direction to help with the energy crisis around here. That's right, in October of last year, Spanish Fork City welcomed 9 new wind turbines for alternative wind energy. The specs? Well..
Suzlon S-88
Over 290 feet tall
Three 145 foot fiberglass blades
115,000 lbs of steel and fiberglass
At peak functioning, they generate enough energy to power approximately 1,200 homes.
Why are there windmills in the middle of Utah, you say? Well, Spanish Fork is known statewide for it's winds, thanks to our beautiful canyon. And that is precisely where the turbines are located. This provides nearly 14 hours of energy producing power, mostly during the morning and evening hours.
Nine turbines is nowhere near enough to power Utah, but that is not their purpose just yet. Whatever they can generate right now, makes it possible for the city to not use the expensive natural gas alternative.
How much do they cost? Shipping, equipment, and maintenance of each is around $3 Million.. I'm not sure on the specifics, but the energy generated by these more than compensates for the one-time cost.
So, what's not to love? Apparently, the city had quite the uproar by locals complaining of noise, dizzy spells, and "not being able to take a walk in my own neighborhood" .. REALLY? I didn't believe them at first, so Cody and I drove up to take a look. Noise? We had to be well within Trespassing bounds to hear anything. Dizzy spells? Maybe, if you're looking straight up at them. Again, they'd have to be right beneath the turbines for this complaint to make any sense. And taking a walk in your own neighborhood? Thanks to the fact that the land housing the new turbines used to be a mining operation, their neighborhood would have to be within a few blocks for them to be able to even see them enough for it to be an issue.
Forget the fact that they are complaining that they would have never moved here had they known about the turbines being put in. So, we're supposed to stop our plans because you didn't read into the city you were buying a home in? This has been in the works for years and we were finally able to get the funding.
My point is, I am very excited about these things. I'm hoping that more states (or even cities) will follow suit because there's no end to the possibilities once we can unite in using more of our unlimited resources. I'M A TURBINE-HUGGER! Proof? Here ya go, that's me, hugging one of the wind turbines. Look how small I am! I am a small person, but that's ridiculous!
Suzlon S-88
Over 290 feet tall
Three 145 foot fiberglass blades
115,000 lbs of steel and fiberglass
At peak functioning, they generate enough energy to power approximately 1,200 homes.
Why are there windmills in the middle of Utah, you say? Well, Spanish Fork is known statewide for it's winds, thanks to our beautiful canyon. And that is precisely where the turbines are located. This provides nearly 14 hours of energy producing power, mostly during the morning and evening hours.
Nine turbines is nowhere near enough to power Utah, but that is not their purpose just yet. Whatever they can generate right now, makes it possible for the city to not use the expensive natural gas alternative.
How much do they cost? Shipping, equipment, and maintenance of each is around $3 Million.. I'm not sure on the specifics, but the energy generated by these more than compensates for the one-time cost.
So, what's not to love? Apparently, the city had quite the uproar by locals complaining of noise, dizzy spells, and "not being able to take a walk in my own neighborhood" .. REALLY? I didn't believe them at first, so Cody and I drove up to take a look. Noise? We had to be well within Trespassing bounds to hear anything. Dizzy spells? Maybe, if you're looking straight up at them. Again, they'd have to be right beneath the turbines for this complaint to make any sense. And taking a walk in your own neighborhood? Thanks to the fact that the land housing the new turbines used to be a mining operation, their neighborhood would have to be within a few blocks for them to be able to even see them enough for it to be an issue.
Forget the fact that they are complaining that they would have never moved here had they known about the turbines being put in. So, we're supposed to stop our plans because you didn't read into the city you were buying a home in? This has been in the works for years and we were finally able to get the funding.
My point is, I am very excited about these things. I'm hoping that more states (or even cities) will follow suit because there's no end to the possibilities once we can unite in using more of our unlimited resources. I'M A TURBINE-HUGGER! Proof? Here ya go, that's me, hugging one of the wind turbines. Look how small I am! I am a small person, but that's ridiculous!
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
a fighting chance, finale
A week passed, and Jeff still hadn’t heard from Kathleen. After spending the entire time beating himself up over everything he’d done, it was a welcomed break when he saw her best friend Sandy at the local gas station. Sandy immediately made eye-contact with Jeff, confirming his suspicions that she had planned on seeing him there. She motioned for him to follow her as she headed for a small table by the restrooms.
“Hey, Sandy. What’s up? How is she?”
“Hello, Jeff. She’s conflicted, to be honest. She spent that whole night convincing herself that she was done. But when you came there, she fell right back into your trap.”
“Has she said anything to you about her decision? How close is she?”
“Look, what I came here to say is that unless you are planning on making some big changes, I don’t want to hear about you being anywhere near my best friend or even speaking to her. As far as I’m concerned, she should have left you a long time ago. She is better off without you and would be much happier.”
An awkward silence ensued as Jeff wracked his brain for something to say. Something to get his one hope to be on his side. He knew that if Sandy was against it, Kath would never come back to him. In the same way, if Sandy could be convinced, he might actually have a fighting chance.
“Sandy… I don’t know what I can say to prove to you that I am a changed man. This whole thing has been so eye-opening for me; I’ve never seen so clearly. I know what I need to do now, and I would give anything to have her back so I can show her what’s happened to me. I just need one more chance, and I’ll fix everything.”
Sandy eyed him for what seemed like forever, then finally let a small smile creep across her stern lips.
“Jeff, you have no idea the power you have over her. She loves you more than she should, and I can see where she’s coming from now. Don’t get your hopes up, but from what I can see, I think you might just be able to pull it off. It’s all on you if she decides to come back to you. You have years of ground to cover, so don’t get lazy.”
Fighting the lump in his throat, he nodded and thanked Sandy for talking to him. Again in a daze, he made his way back to his apartment to continue his wait.
---
Jeff’s phone vibrated on his nightstand and he grabbed it before waking Ruthann. Her eyelashes fluttered, but stayed closed as she sighed deeply, back into her dreams. Jeff brushed her hair from her face, then continued getting ready for work. Stepping out of the room, he smiled at the text message from an old friend ..
“We still on for lunch, J? -Kath”
Before heading out the door, Jeff knelt beside Ruthann and whispered in her ear then kissed her softly on her forehead. She wouldn’t remember what he’d said, but he hoped it would affect her dreams. He’d noticed that the dreams she recalled to him were more pleasant on the days he’d taken the extra time to kiss her goodbye. He silently thanked his old friend for giving him the advice the night before his wedding, as well as many other words he’d kept close to his heart.
As Jeff made his way to work, he couldn’t believe it’d been three years since he’d decided not to let Kath come back to him. The subject would undoubtedly come up at lunch that day, but they’d gone over it before.
---
Jeff heard Kath’s car pull up to his apartment as he finished his grilled cheese sandwich at the kitchen table. He quickly wiped the table top and his mouth as her steps got closer to his door. He wasn’t sure what he would say, but knew that he had to say it. Her soft knock came, followed by her sweet voice.
“Jeff? Is it ok if I come in?” She carefully opened the door, awaiting his answer.
“Of course, have a seat.”
She sat with her hands in her lap, quickly followed by her contagious grin brightening up the room.
“Hi Jeff…H-how are you doing?”
“I’m ok. There’s something I need to say, Kath. And I need you to hear me out and try to understand.”
“You got it, I’m all ears..” Though unsure of what was to come, Kathleen slid closer to him.
Jeff took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts. He willed himself to pick the right words, to make her understand.
“Kath, when I first saw you at Sandy’s party, I knew I would never be the same. I knew that I had to make you part of my life. You were so beautiful, I couldn’t believe you’d made eye contact with me. Three years later, and you’re the same. The same amazing, loving, forgiving woman who somehow found it in her heart to forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it..”
“Jeff, please..”
“You are the same woman I fell in love with three years ago. You still love taking pictures of the leaves in the fall. You still love watching couples looking at wedding rings at the mall. You still love waking up early on winter mornings to watch the snow fall. You’re still you. Beautiful Kathleen.”
Averting his eyes, Jeff continued to ramble on about what he loved about her. Kath reached her hand to rest on his, forcing him to look into her questioning eyes.
“You are the same, I’m the one who has changed. I am not the man you met at that party. I do love you, with all of my heart. But until I can treat you like the queen that you are, I don’t think we should be together. I’ve done a lot of thinking over these past few weeks..”
“Jeff, what are you saying? I’ve already made my decision! I know you’ve changed! I can see it, I know you will do better..”
“..and I’ve realized that making these changes while you suffer isn’t right. That’s not how it should be, you should have the finished product, who treats you like you should be..”
“…what about all of the progress you’ve made? I can’t just move on from you. You are the one I want, I don’t understand why you’re doing this, Jeff!”
“It’s the best thing for both of us. It will be hard, but soon you will realize it too. I’m sorry, but we have to move on to better things. Maybe we will get together again someday, but now is not our time. I’m sorry..”
By this time, Kath was shaking and sobbing with a death grip on Jeff’s left hand. With his right hand, Jeff tucked her hair behind her ears and pulled her to his chest. After multiple whispered apologies and holding her, Jeff listened as she shuffled her way to her car. The silence was deafening as Jeff tapped his thumbs on his knees. The rising temperature was too much for him as he finally snapped.
“I’M SORRY! I CAN’T DO THIS TO YOU ANYMORE!” Jeff slammed his left hand on the coffee table, instantly feeling the release of pressure in his head. Jeff felt his phone vibrate as he set his head in his hands. Fighting the urge to throw it out the window, he read the words from his sister he’d most needed.. “You’re doing the right thing..for both of you, Jeff. Remember that.”
---
“Can I find you a table, sir?” A friendly hostess smiled brightly as he walked into the local café.
“I’m actually meeting someone, thank you.”
Finally seeing Kath’s jet black hair, Jeff made his way to the booth toward the back. He slid into his seat across from her and inhaled deeply.
“Still using Wal-Mart lotion, I see?”
“Yeah, and? That’s what happens when you’re putting your husband through law school! .. It’s good to see you, Jeff.”
“It’s good to see you too, Kath. So, what’s going on that’s so important?”
Jeff noticed an instant change in Kathleen’s color. Blushing?
“Are you kidding me? All I had to do is see your face! When are you due?”
Laughing without shame, the small café was filled suddenly with her infectious giggles. He could tell she was fighting the urge to punch him in the arm, and smiled outwardly at her effort.
“In April. You always could read my expressions, Jeff. So, what do you think?”
“Seriously? I’m ecstatic for you! Do you know what you’re having yet?”
Jeff listened as Kath recalled every detail of the morning she’d taken the at-home pregnancy test. He laughed out loud as she told about the cheesy things her husband had done when he’d found out. Though he’d once felt differently, he knew that they were perfect for each other. It was more evident now that he’d seen the glow she emitted.
After seeing Kathleen safely off in her car, Jeff made his way back to work. Though he wasn’t sure what the future held for Ruthann and their life together, Jeff felt comfort in knowing that he would have an old friend to help him in the right direction.
With her help, he would have a fighting chance of holding onto the angel he had in his life.
“Hey, Sandy. What’s up? How is she?”
“Hello, Jeff. She’s conflicted, to be honest. She spent that whole night convincing herself that she was done. But when you came there, she fell right back into your trap.”
“Has she said anything to you about her decision? How close is she?”
“Look, what I came here to say is that unless you are planning on making some big changes, I don’t want to hear about you being anywhere near my best friend or even speaking to her. As far as I’m concerned, she should have left you a long time ago. She is better off without you and would be much happier.”
An awkward silence ensued as Jeff wracked his brain for something to say. Something to get his one hope to be on his side. He knew that if Sandy was against it, Kath would never come back to him. In the same way, if Sandy could be convinced, he might actually have a fighting chance.
“Sandy… I don’t know what I can say to prove to you that I am a changed man. This whole thing has been so eye-opening for me; I’ve never seen so clearly. I know what I need to do now, and I would give anything to have her back so I can show her what’s happened to me. I just need one more chance, and I’ll fix everything.”
Sandy eyed him for what seemed like forever, then finally let a small smile creep across her stern lips.
“Jeff, you have no idea the power you have over her. She loves you more than she should, and I can see where she’s coming from now. Don’t get your hopes up, but from what I can see, I think you might just be able to pull it off. It’s all on you if she decides to come back to you. You have years of ground to cover, so don’t get lazy.”
Fighting the lump in his throat, he nodded and thanked Sandy for talking to him. Again in a daze, he made his way back to his apartment to continue his wait.
---
Jeff’s phone vibrated on his nightstand and he grabbed it before waking Ruthann. Her eyelashes fluttered, but stayed closed as she sighed deeply, back into her dreams. Jeff brushed her hair from her face, then continued getting ready for work. Stepping out of the room, he smiled at the text message from an old friend ..
“We still on for lunch, J? -Kath”
Before heading out the door, Jeff knelt beside Ruthann and whispered in her ear then kissed her softly on her forehead. She wouldn’t remember what he’d said, but he hoped it would affect her dreams. He’d noticed that the dreams she recalled to him were more pleasant on the days he’d taken the extra time to kiss her goodbye. He silently thanked his old friend for giving him the advice the night before his wedding, as well as many other words he’d kept close to his heart.
As Jeff made his way to work, he couldn’t believe it’d been three years since he’d decided not to let Kath come back to him. The subject would undoubtedly come up at lunch that day, but they’d gone over it before.
---
Jeff heard Kath’s car pull up to his apartment as he finished his grilled cheese sandwich at the kitchen table. He quickly wiped the table top and his mouth as her steps got closer to his door. He wasn’t sure what he would say, but knew that he had to say it. Her soft knock came, followed by her sweet voice.
“Jeff? Is it ok if I come in?” She carefully opened the door, awaiting his answer.
“Of course, have a seat.”
She sat with her hands in her lap, quickly followed by her contagious grin brightening up the room.
“Hi Jeff…H-how are you doing?”
“I’m ok. There’s something I need to say, Kath. And I need you to hear me out and try to understand.”
“You got it, I’m all ears..” Though unsure of what was to come, Kathleen slid closer to him.
Jeff took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts. He willed himself to pick the right words, to make her understand.
“Kath, when I first saw you at Sandy’s party, I knew I would never be the same. I knew that I had to make you part of my life. You were so beautiful, I couldn’t believe you’d made eye contact with me. Three years later, and you’re the same. The same amazing, loving, forgiving woman who somehow found it in her heart to forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it..”
“Jeff, please..”
“You are the same woman I fell in love with three years ago. You still love taking pictures of the leaves in the fall. You still love watching couples looking at wedding rings at the mall. You still love waking up early on winter mornings to watch the snow fall. You’re still you. Beautiful Kathleen.”
Averting his eyes, Jeff continued to ramble on about what he loved about her. Kath reached her hand to rest on his, forcing him to look into her questioning eyes.
“You are the same, I’m the one who has changed. I am not the man you met at that party. I do love you, with all of my heart. But until I can treat you like the queen that you are, I don’t think we should be together. I’ve done a lot of thinking over these past few weeks..”
“Jeff, what are you saying? I’ve already made my decision! I know you’ve changed! I can see it, I know you will do better..”
“..and I’ve realized that making these changes while you suffer isn’t right. That’s not how it should be, you should have the finished product, who treats you like you should be..”
“…what about all of the progress you’ve made? I can’t just move on from you. You are the one I want, I don’t understand why you’re doing this, Jeff!”
“It’s the best thing for both of us. It will be hard, but soon you will realize it too. I’m sorry, but we have to move on to better things. Maybe we will get together again someday, but now is not our time. I’m sorry..”
By this time, Kath was shaking and sobbing with a death grip on Jeff’s left hand. With his right hand, Jeff tucked her hair behind her ears and pulled her to his chest. After multiple whispered apologies and holding her, Jeff listened as she shuffled her way to her car. The silence was deafening as Jeff tapped his thumbs on his knees. The rising temperature was too much for him as he finally snapped.
“I’M SORRY! I CAN’T DO THIS TO YOU ANYMORE!” Jeff slammed his left hand on the coffee table, instantly feeling the release of pressure in his head. Jeff felt his phone vibrate as he set his head in his hands. Fighting the urge to throw it out the window, he read the words from his sister he’d most needed.. “You’re doing the right thing..for both of you, Jeff. Remember that.”
---
“Can I find you a table, sir?” A friendly hostess smiled brightly as he walked into the local café.
“I’m actually meeting someone, thank you.”
Finally seeing Kath’s jet black hair, Jeff made his way to the booth toward the back. He slid into his seat across from her and inhaled deeply.
“Still using Wal-Mart lotion, I see?”
“Yeah, and? That’s what happens when you’re putting your husband through law school! .. It’s good to see you, Jeff.”
“It’s good to see you too, Kath. So, what’s going on that’s so important?”
Jeff noticed an instant change in Kathleen’s color. Blushing?
“Are you kidding me? All I had to do is see your face! When are you due?”
Laughing without shame, the small café was filled suddenly with her infectious giggles. He could tell she was fighting the urge to punch him in the arm, and smiled outwardly at her effort.
“In April. You always could read my expressions, Jeff. So, what do you think?”
“Seriously? I’m ecstatic for you! Do you know what you’re having yet?”
Jeff listened as Kath recalled every detail of the morning she’d taken the at-home pregnancy test. He laughed out loud as she told about the cheesy things her husband had done when he’d found out. Though he’d once felt differently, he knew that they were perfect for each other. It was more evident now that he’d seen the glow she emitted.
After seeing Kathleen safely off in her car, Jeff made his way back to work. Though he wasn’t sure what the future held for Ruthann and their life together, Jeff felt comfort in knowing that he would have an old friend to help him in the right direction.
With her help, he would have a fighting chance of holding onto the angel he had in his life.
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