There's No Place Like Home..

The hubby and I had the opportunity to travel to Southern California for three days last week and it was great! Now I find that I am torn ..

Calfornia was warm, sunny (for two of the days), and just refreshing. At one point in the trip, I admitted to myself that I could imagine living there. We saw many nicer cars, including a VW Phaeton (very rare!) and two Bentley's. The weather was very nice. I could definitely see myself spending at least the winter months there, away from the slick roads and blizzards. Besides the fact that we could never afford it, who wouldn't want to live in this paradise?

On the other hand, California helped me appreciate Utah that much more. For one thing, the traffic was insane. And it wasn't the drivers, just the amount of cars. There are so many people in that area, it's just congested all the time. I'm sure that if we had grown up there, we would be used to it and wouldn't even notice.. But boy, did we notice! Secondly, we were there during February, there's no telling how I would handle the sweltering months, even in a beach city. I've always loved the four seasons here in Utah, and I know now that I wouldn't trade our crisp autumn days or watching the snow fall gently on Christmas morning.

Which brings me to my next option .. We are definitely considering getting a timeshare in the future in that area. Spending a few weeks there during the year is very doable, and we wouldn't be paying too much for it either! Well, it won't be cheap, that's for sure, but it will be worth it. Now, to end on a good note..

happy anniversary..

rolling over, I watch you sleep.
your chest rising and falling
as you rest your fevered head.

three years. amazing, right?
considering us, I think so.

my mind falls back to this night three years ago
holding your hand as you chose our playlist.
jack, rascal flatts, clapton.
so full of hope and love..

what happened?
I'm not the same,
but neither are you.
what was the catalyst?

too soon. too young.
but we can grow
together.

I may not be certain
that I would choose this again.
but would I still kiss you?
hold you? laugh? love you?

only God knows,
but I do love you

more than I ever thought I could.

happy anniversary, love.

feelings

why didn't you act on yours?
goodness knows I could have acted on mine
what would have been different?

she's beautiful, she really is
but all I care is that you're happy.
it doesn't matter how pretty she is
if she doesn't treat you right.

I guess I'm jealous, is that awful of me?
because really, that's the only way
I can explain these feelings.

I will get over this
but I do wish, with all my heart that

you had acted on them.

Next Installment

Throwing the offers next to the paper shredder, my phone began ringing next to the table.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Kate?"

"Yeah, who is this?"

"It's Michael. How are you doin'?"

"M-Michael? Wow... I'm good. H-How are you?"

"I'm great, Kate. Listen, I'm moving back to town here in a few days. I was wondering if you might be able to meet somewhere and catch up tonight."

"Oh, sure! Moving back to good ole Franklin, huh? I mean, that sounds great. What did you have in mind?"

"Well, how about we meet at the coffee shop and go from there?"

"That sounds wonderful," Wonderful? Really?! "Uh, what time did you want to meet?"

I could hear that smile in his voice, "How does 6:30 sound? Then we can grab a bite too."

"That sounds great. I'll see you then, Michael."

"Okay, see ya."

Click. In the course of the phone call, I had managed to open every piece of mail on the table. Catching my breath, I began to calm down and absorb who had just called me. Michael. Michael Boyle. I caught the smile on my face in the mirror in the bathroom and quickly removed it while inspecting my appearance. My color was looking a little better, now that the days were getting longer. I had been getting more sun and didn't look quite as pasty. Lack of sleep the last few nights hadn't helped the hint of grayness beneath my eyes, but that was nothing a little makeup couldn't fix.

Oh, who am I kidding? I haven't had a decent nights sleep for years! How can I show my face with Michael...he can see right through my facade.

Remembering back, I could recall every conversation we'd had on the back of his old green Ford pickup. Every crush that had been discussed, every evil teacher out to get us. I had shared everything with Michael. He was my best friend. But I would never have admitted that my heart jumped at the sound of his voice. Or the fact that no one had been able to understand me like he had. Admitting those things would be risking the perfect relationship I'd had with him, and that was not something I was prepared to do. We'd both been interested in history, but differed in my musical endeavors and his defensive spot on the varsity soccer team. After graduation, we had headed off in different directions and continued emailing and calling for weekly updates. Weekly updates changed to monthly, monthly turned to once a semester, and then stopped altogether. There was no "falling out" or disagreement. It was just understood that we were busy and that we would catch up "next week". By the time Ambrose and I had decided on a date to be married, he had moved out of his dorms and his parents said he had moved in with a girlfriend. Not wanting to interrupt, I had just sent his parents an invite, assuming they would inform him, and called it good. Now, after six years of nothing, Michael had tracked down my number to drop back into my life again.

First installment of my story..

I don't have a title yet, but I'm working on it! Let me know what ya'll think ..


Tap, tap, tap. I glanced across the waiting room, inwardly pleading that the nervous young man would have noticed my looks and ceased his finger tapping. No such luck. After deciding against chucking the lamp beside me in his direction, I looked up to Joyce at the front desk.

"What time do you have, Joyce?"

"It's 11:05, Kate. Dr. Stevens shouldn't be very much longer; her new ten o'clock is running a little late."

"Thank you, Joyce... How is your son doing, by the way? Still going to school here in town?"

"Yes, Kevin is doing fine, thank you."

She cleared her throat. All right, I can take a hint. Sensitive subject? She resumed her typing with her soft brown eyes squinted at the screen. I had been coming to this office for two years now, and her hair, squeaky black heels, and pastel knitted sweaters hadn't changed one big. The rhythm of her typing was soothing to me after so long, and I found I could sense her mood depending on the speed. She may not have felt the same relaxation from my presence, but Joyce Kinders approval was the least of my worries.

Finally, Dr. Stevens petite silhouette turned my attention from Joyce as Mr. Ten O'clock made his way gingerly out of her office. After shaking her hand, he quickly stuffed his hands into his pockets and began his slow, steady stride to his faded blue Ford Tempo downstairs. I watched him take a deep breath before starting his car; their session was definitely his first. Don't worry, it gets better.

Taking this as my signal, I quickly stood and slid into my chair in her office to begin our weekly "therapy" session. Keeping good hopes for some improvement was something I felt at the start of each meeting, but I knew that all depended on my cooperation and mood.

"Kate, how are you doing today? How was your week?" Finally shutting the door as well as dulling the late morning drum session, Dr. Stevens clicked her way to her seat behind her large desk. She had worn her strawberry hair down today, but the elastic around her left wrist would undoubtedly be used by the end of the day. Temperatures would be much too high for her to withstand her long hair on her shoulders and neck.

"Oh, you know. Same old. My mother called this morning."

"Did she? Well, did you have a nice chat?"

"She was worried about me. Big shocker... I don't know why it's so hard for her to just.."

----

She had called at 7:30 ... She knew I would still be asleep, but who knows what really went on in her head anyway. I tried to be civil, I really did.

"Hello?"

"Hi, dear. It's me, your mother. Are you feeling alright? You sound awful..."

"Nice to hear from you, Mom. It's early, is there something I can help you with?"

"Well, no. Kit, I'm just worried about you, is all. We were hoping you could have been able to make it yesterday. You know, Tads birthday."

"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. I meant to call, is he there?"

"Well, no. He's gone off to work now. I'll have him call you when he gets home. Kate, are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, Mom. Now, please try calling me later on in the day. You know I don't get up this early."

"Oh, of course! I'm sorry about that, I don't know where my head is this morning! Heaven forbid ... Now, if you're sure..."

"Yeah. I'll talk to you later, okay? Love ya."

"Oh, love you too, dear. Make this a good day."

"Bye, Mom."

"Toodles!"

---

"Kate? I asked why you didn't go to your brothers birthday dinner."

Snapping away from my daydream, I cleared my throat and began to run through the possible excuses. I knew where this was going, and I didn't really want to go into it.

"Well, I don't hate my family, if that's what you're getting at..."

"Of course not, Kate. You had yesterday off, so I know you weren't working."

"You know how everything is such short notice with those people."

"Your family? I thought you had all of their birthdays memorized..."

"I do. I do, but that's not the point. They just expect me to drop everything on the spot. I just... I just don't have time. It's not like my dad was there either."

"Kate, don't change the subject to your father. I'm sure Tad wanted you there, but he can't blame your dad for you not being there. That doesn't change anything either, all you can do now is deal with Tad. What did you do last night?"

"I went out for a drink with Tessa. She's been trying to get me out meeting guys, but I just can't. So, we just had two beers at Malloy's then I headed home for the night. I was watching the news, and there was a robbery turned murder a few nights ago."

"Oh, Kate. I thought you decided not to watch the news anymore. And after you'd been drinking? We've been making good progress lately..."

"I know. I thought so too, that's why I thought it would be okay to just watch the weather." I took a deep breath. I knew she would ask me to continue, so I prepared myself and got started before she could ask. "I saw his face..." The face I've been trying so hard to let go. "When I went to bed, he was there, lying in his spot. I talked to him again. I begged him to leave me alone in peace, to move on with my life." I had cried as well, but didn't feel that needed to be brought up.

"Kate, getting your feelings out is very healthy. Crying is normal, given your situation. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You may not have been raised to believe that, but it's true. Did you get any sleep?"

"Probably four to five hours. Not bad, but I would've gotten more if it hadn't been for my mother. I really messed up with Tad, didn't I?"

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You have some catching up to do, but you can do it. I don't think he's given up on you." He's always been the forgiving one.

"I'll give him a call tonight sometime."

"What about work? Didn't you say you wanted to go back to school here pretty soon?"

"I've just been saving up my money for tuition. It will probably be next year, but I'm definitely doing it. Hair design can only take me so far..."

"Your job does give you a steady paycheck though, so you need to count your blessings. I'm glad you were able to get promoted to management last year."

"Yeah, me too. I would've had to get rid of the house had I stayed with the tips and minimum I was making before. That was the motivation, it was our dream house..." The tears threatened and I turned my head to recover my composure before it was too late. I choked out a laugh, "I've been working too hard saving for the tuition actually. I've been thinking about taking some time off to get away..."

Dr. Stevens jumped so high, she nearly fell out of her seat. "That's it! You haven't had time off since the funeral! You've been saving those personal days for years, it's time you got to go somewhere." She frantically began searching through her organized mess, finally coming up for air with some travel brochures. She unloaded her arms on her desk, beckoning me closer.

"I have a few time shares, they're locations are in here somewhere. If any of them sound good to you, no questions asked, they're yours. My travel agent is amazing, so just look through those and let me know if I can help you with anything. Kate?"

My eyes had been drawn to a brochure advertising a history tour in Boston. For all the love of history I had always had, I had never been able to make it to the east coast. Rich with heritage, I was kicking myself for never having been there. "Uh, yes. I'll let you know. Thanks for all the help and ... materials, Dr. Stevens." I gathered everything up, made my way out of her office and shuffled down to my car.

Looking at my trusty old Golf, my mind wandered back to when Ambrose had purchased it for me. He had gotten it for a bargain for our two year anniversary and was just in time to cheer me up after a hard decision had been made. We had decided against having children for a few years, and even though I was glad for more time as a couple, I had needed some persuasion.

---

"We have plenty of time, Kit. Just think how awesome it will be to do our East-Coast tour without a rug-rat to look after."

"Nice, Ambrose. I'm glad you see our future children as rodents!"

"You know that's just an expression. Come on, how about a new car? You just need a change of scenery."

Reluctantly, I accepted his offer. But I couldn't shake the possibility that we might not, in face, have "plenty of time".

---

Pulling into my driveway, I realized I had completely blanked out the 10 miles between the office and my house. Nice, Kate. I hope you didn't take out any old ladies on the way here. Giving my car a once over to be sure, I headed over to get the mail and go inside. It was officially Spring, but the remnants of the long Winter were still clinging to my home in Franklin, Nebraska. It was windy days like this that I was grateful for the small garage that Ambrose had been so insistent in having. His prized spare parts still lined the sides; I had been planning on selling everything to his fellow enthusiasts but hadn't gotten far. Blocking the smell of diesel oil, I stepped into the kitchen to be welcomed by the familiar scent of home.

We had bought it on a whim; the market was great and the price was right. The house had been a little big, but we knew we would be growing into it sooner or later. After my first worse nightmare had happened, my next threatened to come true as the bills began racking up and creditors seemed to have me on speed dial. However, thanks to my promotion and a little boost from Ambrose great aunt Cathy, I was able to stay in our dream home for the time being.

I tossed the brochures on the table and began sifting through the mail. I counted a total of three credit card offers for Ambrose... Each envelope reading You're Pre-Approved!

"Ha! Really? I doubt that!" I screamed. My fingers went to my lips, silencing them. My eyes shifted from one side of the kitchen to the other, almost in search of judging eyes, finding none. Talking to credit card companies, Kate? Give me a break.