Without him..

So, I only have three days left until my lovey comes home to me. Even though I haven't burnt down the house, killed the plants (or our pet snake, Liz), or left the doors unlocked while being away (thus letting the neighborhood prowlers in), I've come to the frustrating realization that I am hopeless without my husband. I've done all of the chores I needed to do, I've spent time with friends and family, and I've gotten up in time for work (very early, in fact) every morning, all by my lonesome.

I'm fairly certain that when I hear him pull up on Saturday afternoon, I will lose all composure. Don't think for a second that I've been a brave little wifey while he's been gone. I've probably cried every day, so don't be fooled by my confident facade! Cody has been bored and a little homesick while attending training over in Houston, so any time I've spoken to him, I've done my best to assure him that it will all be over soon and he won't have to do any training for at least another year. And that has helped me as well, but I feel that I've come to a more in-depth conclusion through these last few weeks.

I'm just not independent! I can't spend two weeks painting, working, taking photos, and cleaning the house and be peachy about it. I'm sure this has a lot to do with the fact that I wish I had a different job right now.. But I can't help but wonder if there is something else wrong with me. No, I know there is something wrong with me, but I just don't what to do about it. I'm to the point now where I pray every day for comfort, strength, and patience to overcome this crappy time in my life. I am so blessed to have the things I do, but it just seems like I am just too much of an emotional mess to handle it by myself. But God can only lighten my load so much before He is taking away my pain completely, which doesn't help me learn my lessons and grow as a person.

As luck would have it, Cody's insurance doesn't cover mental health. BYU offers a discounted program where you can meet with the graduate students (supervised by the professors) and have sessions with them. Before I result to that, I think I will just meet with the bishop and see what advice he might have for me. Cody and I are not perfect and there are things that need to be worked on in our marriage, but I think I need to look inside before we can fix our relationship.

I'll stop rambling now.. I'm at work and I just needed to get these thoughts out. I'm just so sick of being such a downer. I used to be such a happy person, and I don't know when that changed, but it's not fair to me or Cody (he has noticed a change as well).. Don't feel obligated to give me advice, I'm just trying to get my feelings out. I'm not a risk to myself or anything, I'm just down! Hopefully things will get better soon!

Alma 24

I've started to notice a pattern with my optomism level and attitude as of late and it's really starting to get to me.

Back when I was sent to do customer service, it was devistating to me because I. hate. customer. service. I hate calling customer service, and I especially hate performing it as an occupation. But you know what? I was so lucky that I hadn't been laid-off like so many of my coworkers on that day. When I was fired three months later, you can imagine my fear considering I had been looking for new employement during that whole time and had found nothing satisfactory.

I've never prayed so much in my life as I have during these last four months. I didn't receive the answers I wanted, but I received comfort to help me through this difficult time. I never really appreciated the comfort when I went into one my many moods during this time.

I've since started a new job, doing the same thing, but with a much smaller stress-level, thanksfully. But I still feel stuck in the awful customer service industry and with the economy the way it is, I have very little hope of moving onto a better job in the near future. I am very blessed that I was only unemployed for a mere two days. I ran into so many people who have been out of work for so long.. It's heartbreaking, really.

Once again, I have not received the answers I've begged so earnestly for. But I have received comfort. In more ways than I can count. The "natural man" in me is resisting and just wants to wallow in self-pity and I'm sick of it! I was reading Alma chapter 24 last night before going to bed, and I found myself just bawling. If you haven't read that chapter, I strongly recommend you go sit by yourself, free of distractions, and ponder the words in that chapter. If you're not familiar with the story, it's about the Anti-Nephi-Lehi people and their covenant to never shed the blood of their brethren again. I was just amazed to read about a whole community of people dying for the promise they had made to God. And most of all, I feel so ashamed that I have been such a snob about my life lately.

My situation sucks, for sure. But my life is so blessed. I have so much to be grateful for and I can't believe I've been so blind. ENOUGH! I can't guarantee that I will be awesome from now on, but I will do my darndest to live up to the daughter of God that I am!

Alright..

So, I was going to change my banner to reflect the changing season around me, but I saw this and thought it would be a better motivation for me! I started a new job after being laid-off of my old one (heaven-sent, really) and so I'm hoping I will be able to bring my laptop in to catch up. We're not allowed to access the internet from our laptops if we bring them in, so it's the perfect time for me to focus on the basics and get back to writing! We'll see, I suppose..

Toodles!