At a loss..

I've been struggling with some feelings for a while now, so I'd like to get these out in hopes of feeling better. And I don't want it to sound like Cody is some kind of monster, even though he could be a little kinder in a lot of ways. I really, truly, believe that these feelings are coming from many different points in my life and I'm just coming to them now.


I guess I don't feel hopeful that I will ever live up to mine or Cody's expectations of myself. I'm sorry if this is cryptic, but I'll try to be clear. Cody's expectations of me might be unreasonable sometimes, and I'm ok with that. I guess I just don't feel like he'll ever really be happy with me. That sounds super harsh, but it's what I'm seeing. It just seems like I disappoint him or I make him sad more often than not and that's not fair to either of us. Whether it's with wifely duties or reacting the right way to the things he says/does, or just acting like an "adult" .. I feel like it's hit and miss a lot of the time.


With the wifely duties, one of my dreams has always been to be a stay-at-home-mom to our kids and to keep the house clean and just be awesome. Even though I truly, truly want to be that, I can't seem to get into the habit of doing things when they need to get done (i.e. seeing something on the floor and picking it up, dusting the windowsill when I see it needs it, etc.). Cody doesn't like that I feel like it needs to be a habit or a routine. But I feel like that's the best way for me to remember everything. My memory is another big issue with him and I do see that it is a problem. I just forget things! I forget that he asked me to pick up his glasses from the doctor or pick up something at the store, or just to be aware of what we have in the pantry/fridge. I really wish I had a better memory, but I feel like it's beyond my control at a certain point; I can only try so hard.


I guess being an "adult" is really hard for me too. But I have no idea how I can fix this as quickly as he seems to expect it. Sure, I went to a year and a half of college down in Cedar City.. But I had two very mothering roommates who pretty much took care of me, my parents paid for everything, and whatever I didn't eat at the cafeteria was pb&j or mac&cheese. I know how to make food that I like if I have the recipe, but I don't really know how to cook. I love my mother, but I feel like I didn't learn anything from her while I was growing up. I'm just immature when it comes to these things.


I'm super sensitive.. It's gotten worse since being married, but I've always taken things too personally and beat myself up over everything. I enjoy being sarcastic with my friends and family, but it doesn't ever seem to work with us. He is sarcastic when it's not appropriate (when he's angry, which I translate into being snotty) and it really hurts my feelings. I am sarcastic when I feel it's appropriate and we're joking with each other, but he takes it personally. I've all but stopped being that way because I don't want him to think I'm being mean. I think I'm a pretty sweet person, but I can be catty sometimes. Cody is catty all of the time, it seems. There are so many double-standards in our life and it's dizzying to keep up with them. He can tickle me, be sarcastic with me, pinch me, laugh at me.. No matter what my mood is like. But heaven forbid I pat his butt or joke around with him when he's in the wrong mood.


Sometimes I wish he would just wize up and leave me. He is someone who says hurtful things when he's upset, so he has told me several times "If this does not stop, so help me.." and I just want to tell him to just leave me if he's so unhappy with me. If I make him so miserable all the time. I KNOW that he loves me and that I make him happy sometimes, but is that enough? Is he going to leave when we have kids? I know it would be one of the hardest times of my life, but if he would be happier with someone else, I want him to just do it already. If I had known that he would be so stressed because of me, I don't know if I would've married him. Again, harsh.. But it's the truth. I want to have therapy together, but he thinks it would be a waste of money because we can just talk at home. Talking isn't working, so I'm at a loss.


Last night before going to bed, we had been arguing about something stupid that had happened in the bathroom while we were getting ready for bed. The end of the night was him saying that he wished we could just work harder to get along with each other. And I just feel like, all I ever do is try to make sure I'm doing what he wants and not doing what he thinks is annoying, stupid, etc. ALL of my energy is wasted on his eggshells and I just can't live like this and talking about it hasn't helped. I am going to continue to pray for patience and love and forgiveness (for both of us) and hope for the best. I'm not miserable. For the most part, I'm happy. I feel like this when he does and apprently it's pretty often. He asked me why I've been acting "weird" for the last little while and I have nothing to say to him. I have no idea what he might be talking about!


I feel better, thanks for listening.

Part time

So, I'm looking for a part time job for after 4pm (or all day on Saturdays) .. I guess I'm just sick of feeling like I'm the selfish one for wanting anything for Christmas. I'm sick of being in the debt that we're in and Cody is starting school in January. I want to help with the debt and help with his tuition so we don't have to take out a school loan.

If anyone hears of work in the afternoons, just let me know. I'd really rather not do customer service ever again, but I am willing if there is nothing else. It's time I take things into my hands and be an adult.

Fuming.

Cody went up to SLC with his friends for a guys day out today and had to take the passat because it fits more. Then he failed to notice (once he was all the way up there) that he had the TDI key with him. I should be grateful that he called to let me know. But what am I supposed to do now? Sorry doesn't help me one bit, seeing as how I was going to finish OUR freaking Christmas shopping today. He said I could just go shopping with mom, but why should she have to fix everything?

I'm fuming right now.. It actually isn't that big of a deal, but does he have any idea what it would be like if the tables were turned?!?! How furious he would be if I had done the same thing?! That's why I'm so upset right now. I'm upset because I can't get mad at him the way he would get mad at me if I had done this! I just can't get around wanting to make sure that his glorious Saturday isn't ruined because I deserve to get after him about this. He complained that I didn't have anything really planned today and then this happened.

I'll get over this before he gets home tonight. Don't worry, he's going to see Tron and play around all Saturday while I talk myself out of sending him an angry text.

At least some cleaning and laundry will get done.

**EDIT**

Cody will not be happy about it, but I ended up walking all over town doing my shopping. I was originally planning on heading up north to Walmart to do most of it, but it wasn't too bad! I even stopped at the library to warm up and read my book (I've moved onto Eclipse!) for a bit. Now, I'm going to take a nap and try to finish the laundry. My feet hurt, but I'm ok.

Twilight down, three more to go..

I may have to copy my other friends' feelings on this, but I have found I feel the exact same way! Even though her writing bugs me quite a bit, the story is interesting and I will finish reading the books. What I've realized is that even though the writing is annoyingly juvenile to me, she didn't write the books for 24-year-olds. She wrote them for angst-y teenagers and I believe it really appeals to them. Mission accomplished. Onto New Moon...

{totally on Team Jacob, by the way}

So it begins..

It's official. I've started reading Twilight.. Not quite sure how I feel about it just six chapters in. On the one hand, I see why so many of my friends hate these books and only made it halfway through. On the other hand, I see why so many of my friends LOVE these books. The story is interesting (even after I've seen the movies, *poser*) and I am definitely intrigued. I do, however, strongly disagree with anyone comparing Stephenie (who spells their name that way?!) Meyer and J.K. Rowling. No comparison. The End. So, that's what I'm reading tonight. It's Cody's birthday and we are celebrating by going up to see our favorite morning radio show (Radio From Hell on X96) tomorrow morning and then having a yummy lunch in the SLC. I made him a cake and a card, both of which I am very proud of, and now I will settle down for some reading and cocoa-sipping.

Tchussy!

Cliche

I'm definitely copying people, but I'm going to try to make a gratitude journal. I would like to write at least one thing everyday, but I know life gets busy and I will most likely forget after a while. Doesn't hurt to try, right?! So, there ya have it! The point of the journal is to help me realize how awesome my life is. I should try to catch up in my regular journal too.. I think the last time I wrote was back when we first moved into our new house (over a year ago) so I have lots to catch up on!

Move on already!

You know what I hate more than accidentally stumbling upon a former boss' blog (whom I really really disliked)? Seeing that they are still with the same company and doing well. This "moving onto better things" just doesn't work when they are doing better than me..

Boo.

I was blunt.

I was almost done with a stupid post and realized how naive I sounded. Point is, I wrote that letter and gave it to Cody. I was a bit snotty in the letter because I thought I needed to be. But I think I could've gone about it in a better way. As a result, Cody was a little down about the whole thing. I wanted him to realize that I was upset by the way he's been treating me, but the last thing I want is to make him feel like a bad person.. Because he's not!

As a result, he wrote me back through email so I could see it at work (he was off on Monday) giving his input on several of the points I made. It went really well, even though he was still upset when I got home. Upset enough that he registered for classes to start in January so he can finish his degree and we can pull ourselves out of the debt we're in (after he graduates and finds a better paying job, of course). He acknowledges my desire to be a house-wife and understands that he needs to do what needs to be done to get me there. He also wants to be nicer and more respectful to me. It won't be overnight, but that's the first time I've really gotten him to acknowledge my feelings on the matter.

This week went pretty well. He's been especially sweet to me and even made me breakfast this morning. He wasn't sweet the whole time, but I'm doing better with telling him when he's being an ass. Cody is a really good man and I'm realizing that more and more everyday that I observe him. I love him!

Blunt friends..

Cody and I have gotten to the point where we are mostly happy, but we have trouble sometimes. At least, that's how I felt until I talked with my best friend Jess yesterday for five hours. I guess I've been so busy telling myself that I really am happy, I don't really know how I feel anymore. It started out as just talking to my best friend about what's new. That led to talking about latest fights and then Jess asked more about how he talks to me and what he expects of me.

Because I want so badly to be the wife and mother who takes care of everything, I've taken it upon myself to do it, even though I don't have the means, time, or energy to do so. I just don't. We both work full time, and even though I get home before Cody, I don't have the imagination that comes from feeding a family for 25 years (i.e. coming up with something to make off the top of my head) and I guess I feel pressured to be like that.

I've talked about this before, but Cody doesn't treat me like an adult, let alone his wife. Whether or not I've done things to make him feel superior to me, I don't deserve it and I can't let him get away with it anymore. Jess just listened to me give her examples of this endless circle and then spent an hour talking me through how I can effectively express these feelings to Cody. Moral of the story is: I want to be married to Cody. I'm in love with him and I want things to work out. But that doesn't mean that I should put up with things I'm not happy with just to keep him happy. I shouldn't have to walk on egg shells like I do. What's most frustrating is that even though he treats me this way, I've never really done anything to stop it.

My new task is to talk to him. I've decided that to get my words out the right way, I'd rather write him a letter. That way, I won't lash out if he interrupts me or argues. And he can't walk out of the room when I'm talking. I won't cry.. I don't know what's going to happen, but I fasted today so that his heart would be softened and that I would be able to choose my words carefully.

Blessing?

I know you guys have read about my frustrations about not being able to start our family because of work and finances.. But I'm starting to think our excuses have actually benefited us. We will celebrate our 5th anniversary in February and it's great. We probably won't even end up doing anything fun, but we've been lucky enough to travel to Cali the last four years. These past five years have been some of the hardest, most stressful years of my life. I can't say for sure, but I think I would've thought more seriously about getting married, had I actually thought about it at the time. But these years have also been the most rewarding and enlightening I've had. That being said, what would this time had been like if we'd been able to have children right away? I wasn't ready for marriage, and I am still doubtful as to whether or not I am ready to be a mother. But I know that after these five years, I'm much closer than I would have been back then.

Life is crazy, and I'm still not where I want to be personally. I don't feel like I know who I am, and having children wouldn't make that any easier. Since I can't just go hitch-hiking across Europe to find myself, I know that I just need to fully rely on the Lord to guide me in the right direction and to work on me. This past year has been wonderful since finding my new job, but I feel I've drifted away from the good habits I took

up to get through the hard times last year. I'm a textbook example of taking things for granted when times get good. Things are still really good, but I find that I'm getting discouraged much too easily the last few weeks and I know why. I just need to do what I'm supposed to, and hope that Cody will follow my good example. I'm just glad I didn't get laid-off to get the point across this time.

And for warm fuzzies... One of our anniversary photos:

another rant? yup!

Ya know what I'm sick of? Being so in love with someone who doesn't respect me. The person I'm supposed to raise a family with.. And he will probably end up critizing everything I do when we have kids, just like he does now. I do a pretty good job of finding the negative things in life (something I'm trying to work on) but it doesn't matter what I do right, he always points out the things I do wrong.

But what pisses me off the most? It's the fact that when he does something wrong (i.e. spilling entire pitcher of red punch on the carpet twice, leaving doors unlocked when we've been out, etc.), I'm too concerned with letting things go because he's human and I love him. If I were to have done those things, I'd never hear the end of it! I bite my tongue all the time, and for what? I can only imagine how hellish our marriage would be if I nit-picked every little thing he did that bugged me. He already does that to me, I can't imagine what he would do if I treated him this way!

Sometimes I'm a little snotty with him, I'll admit that. But heaven forbid I look at him weird or say something "stupid" when he's in the wrong mood! I'm so sick of walking on eggshells and weighing every word out of my mouth. Today, for example.. We were driving passed an ad for a guy running for senate. Cody asked who the guy was, and stupidly thinking he hadn'e been able to read "U.S. Senate" at the bottom of the sign, I said, "He's running for senate".. Fast-forward to 15 minutes later after he tells me several times how stupid an answer that was and what on earth was I thinking to say it. Am I the only one who doesn't understand why he is so upset by this?! I don't even say "duh" if he gives me an obvious answer to a question!

I am polite for no reason. Being kind and expecting it in return is pointless in this relationship! I just don't get it! I know I should talking to him about it, but all I would get in return is guilt for bringing up the past or being unforgiving! Who else thinks we need therapy? Or even just me, so I can learn to freaking stand up for myself sometimes! I try and it only makes him more angry and he just yells over me. What's the point? Last I checked, marriage was a partnership, not just sharing incomes and living together! But that's what I feel like sometimes. I feel like I'm arguing with my superior.

End rant. By the way, I had to read this through three times to make sure I didn't misuse "to" (to, too, two) and correct all the misspellings!

green

A friend I've known since kindergarten was married over the summer and has recently announced that they are expecting their first child. I just celebrated my fourth anniversary, and I can't help but think we've been focusing on the wrong things.

What do I have to show for the past four years? Do I feel better about being a mother? Is our relationship better as husband and wife? Do we respect each other more? I feel like I've just been buying time. What have I been waiting for? What have I been doing all this time?!

Working.. But where has all the money gone? We have a beautiful house now, but I don't feel confident that we'll be able to take care of our children here for a long time. I guess I'm just wishing that I had made him go to school after we got married and he might've been done with school by now. Four years!!

Of course I'm jealous of my dear friend.. I'm so happy and excited for her to expand her beautiful family, but I'm jealous. I've had many friends pass the line into parenthood over the years, but I've never felt this way about them. I guess it's just because I've known her for so long. We played make-believe games, pretending we were different animals. Our imaginations were endless. I shared the young, innocent mind-set with her.

Oh well. When I get back to work on Monday, everything will go back to normal and we will continue living our lives together, hoping for more. Here's to the future!

last night's adventure

shaking
confusion
tears
heart racing
where is this coming from?
why am I being tormented?
what kind of sleep is this?
waking in the middle of the night to the panicked shouts of my husband.
even better? a husband who fears his wife to be a hypochondriac.


is it time for bed yet?

resolute

I'm a day late, but I thought I'd document my resolutions. I've heard that helps in keeping them, so here goes!

1. Read the Book of Mormon twice. I'm only halfway through with reading it for last year (FAIL) so I might just end up finishing this round and reading it again. The important thing to me is to at least finish it one full time. I've never done that and I really have no excuse.

2. Lose 10 pounds. In 2009, I was able to get down to 140 (from 160) and that means I'm 5 lbs away from being at my pre-married weight. This year, I think another 10 lbs is realistic and it would be great! Honestly, I don't have a "goal weight" .. I just want to get down to where I feel better about myself. I can't believe my mother was 105 when she was married! I could never be that small, but it doesn't hurt to just be healthy. Even if I don't lose those 10 lbs, I'd be happy to just be more physically active and feel good.

3. Read Harry Potter 1 & 2. I tried to read HP back in Jr. High and I just couldn't handle the fantasy. But now that I've had a chance to broaden my horizons, I think I'm up to the challenge. I've enjoyed the movies, so I hope I can do it!

4. Do 10 paintings. I took up the acrylics two years ago, painted a few times, and then they just faded into the background. I recently sat down and painted something that was really fun, and I think it would be great to do 10 of them this year! I've always wanted to have more hobbies, so this is one I want to work on.

5. Learn to round-brush my hair. I had my sister-in-law Heidi do this for me back in high school and I absolutely loved the end result. It's so pretty! I would love to be able to do that by myself..

6. Write in my journal at least once a week. When I was little, I wrote in my journal religiously everyday. Even though most of the time I had nothing to talk about, I wrote everyday. Since then, I've gotten too busy and I miss it! I'd like to eventually write everyday, but I think it's more realistic to at least write once a week, maybe every Sunday to catch up on the last week.

7. Go to church every week. I did it when I was growing up, so what's wrong with doing it now? It would be great for us, even if it's just me.

That's all I've got for now. Cody and I went snowmobiling with Jason and Kim today. Even though I am enormously sore, it was a success for sure. OH! We also bought the new Nikon D3000 and have been enjoying it's excellence. I feel so bad that I don't know how to use it to it's full potential yet, but my day will come. Thanks for reading, photos will be up eventually :)