Happy Birthday..

Today is my Dad's 53rd birthday. As the day went by, I found that I kept thinking about him. Not surprising considering the influence he's been on my life recently.

He's always played a big part in my life and the choices I've made. I don't know who I would be today if it weren't for his guidance (whether asked for or not) and kind hand while growing up. Aside from the standard fatherly role, he has also played a big part in my interests. To illustrate, here is a list of things that remind me of my Dad:

The Beatles
Styx
The Phantom of the Opera
the clarinet
labrador dogs
brittany spaniel dogs
Boston (the band)
boy scouts
C.S. Lewis
Pepsi
Nu Skin
Chicago (the band)
Louisana
Hershey's Kissables
Ducks Unlimited
General Conference
Mt. Timpanogous
Tears for Fears
High School wrestling
marching band
archery hunts
Lance Armstrong

I could go on.. My father has always played a big part in my life. As long as I can remember, aside from the occassional business trip, he has always been home for dinner and at church on Sunday. Even though it might have been outside his regular comfort zones, he has always magnified his callings in church and his role as father at home.

My father isn't perfect. Neither of my parents are. But it is my experience that he has always done his best to head in that direction. He had the best testimony to lean on growing up, but he also helped in my quest for my own testimony in the gospel. He encouraged me to study the scriptures and pray daily to my Heavenly Father. He encouraged me to not only attend but to actively participate in my seminary and institute classes.

When I wanted to play the flute in elementary school, he presented me with the clarinet he'd played growing up. Though I wasn't excited to play an instrument I hadn't seen much of, I began to develop my musical talent and continued to do so until after high school. I played in my schools marching band for one year, then decided to switch over to the choirs. Even though I had given up on a good thing for me, my father supported me completely in my pursuit of a coveted spot in my schools a capella choir. Nearly a years' worth of voice lessons from my choir teacher, at $20 a pop, and I was granted my senior year to finally be in that choir. I couldn't have been happier, and my father continued to support me by attending concerts and paying for the choir tour to California.

My parents funded my time spent in college at Southern Utah University. Even though my grades were less than ideal, my father's faith in me unwavering, they continued to encourage me to do better and finish my degree.

When I left school early to marry just two months shy of my 20th birthday, my father bit his tongue and gave me away to my young husband. To a young man who might not be able to take care of his little girl. To a proud car lover who had not served a mission for the Lord. My father has continued to support me in the many ups and downs that accompany marriage, complete with the many moves, job changes, home purchases, kitchen renovations, and cars that have blessed my three and a half years as Cody's wife.

Though it's been hard for me to completely understand, my father has helped me learn things for myself and to make mistakes. As I'm sure my father in Heaven has been saddened to be witness to the many mistakes I've made, I know that my father here on earth has endured many moments being concerned for his daughters welfare. And thanks to my freewill, he will undoubtedly spend many many more.

When I came to him for a father's blessing after seeing 12 of my coworkers being laid-off, my father didn't just give me a blessing to say that everything would be ok and that I would find a job immediately. He blessed me with patience and with comfort to help me last until I could find another job. He encouraged me to use this experience to my advantage and to use it to grow as a person. He didn't offer me a job at his company to get me out of the pain I've endured. As hard as the last few months have been for me, I know that I am closer to God, my family, and my husband thanks to not being able to take the easy way out.

As I drove home from work today, listening to The Music of the Night, I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I love my Dad more than I ever thought possible and the emotional roller-coaster that is my life as of late is one of the many reasons I have come to realize this. I can't bear the thought of living without him, yet, as every birthday comes and goes, I know that time is getting closer. I suppose I will have to deal with that when the time comes, but for the now the best I can do is be sure to express my appreciation for the father who has been and will always be by my side, gently prodding me down the right path.


Happy Birthday, Daddy. I will always love you more than you will ever know. I will always be your little girl.

Mine.

sweet
thoughtful
giving
kind
mothering
loving

All words my Dad has used to describe (and praise) me. Where did that cute, innocent little girl go? When did I become so spiteful? I have my moments.. When I can be sweet and gracious. But the woman Cody fell in love with is sharing a room with this other woman. This girl who can't seem to look beyond the sweat on his face to let him hug her. The girl who will ruin a whole day of fun activities because of one stupid argument. What happened to the girl who could move on from a fight in seconds flat to resume living her life? I've wasted so much time.. So many nights have been thrown away because I wouldn't speak to him anymore.

"I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." D&C 64:10

It's not up to me to forgive him. Even if he doesn't apologize. It's not up to me!

I used to write notes to my loved ones for them to find and read later. And I've decided I'm going to do that more often. He deserves to know how much I care for him, no matter what stupid thing he said. The only way I can help us have a better relationship is to do my part and be loving. I can only worry about what I am doing right (or wrong).

I don't know why I wrote about this.. but I've been thinking a lot about how much I've changed from when I was little. As a close loved one's marriage is dissipating before my eyes, I am turning inward to make sure it doesn't happen to mine. It's up to us, and it's up to me to take care of my relationship.