So it begins..

It's official. I've started reading Twilight.. Not quite sure how I feel about it just six chapters in. On the one hand, I see why so many of my friends hate these books and only made it halfway through. On the other hand, I see why so many of my friends LOVE these books. The story is interesting (even after I've seen the movies, *poser*) and I am definitely intrigued. I do, however, strongly disagree with anyone comparing Stephenie (who spells their name that way?!) Meyer and J.K. Rowling. No comparison. The End. So, that's what I'm reading tonight. It's Cody's birthday and we are celebrating by going up to see our favorite morning radio show (Radio From Hell on X96) tomorrow morning and then having a yummy lunch in the SLC. I made him a cake and a card, both of which I am very proud of, and now I will settle down for some reading and cocoa-sipping.

Tchussy!

Cliche

I'm definitely copying people, but I'm going to try to make a gratitude journal. I would like to write at least one thing everyday, but I know life gets busy and I will most likely forget after a while. Doesn't hurt to try, right?! So, there ya have it! The point of the journal is to help me realize how awesome my life is. I should try to catch up in my regular journal too.. I think the last time I wrote was back when we first moved into our new house (over a year ago) so I have lots to catch up on!

Move on already!

You know what I hate more than accidentally stumbling upon a former boss' blog (whom I really really disliked)? Seeing that they are still with the same company and doing well. This "moving onto better things" just doesn't work when they are doing better than me..

Boo.

I was blunt.

I was almost done with a stupid post and realized how naive I sounded. Point is, I wrote that letter and gave it to Cody. I was a bit snotty in the letter because I thought I needed to be. But I think I could've gone about it in a better way. As a result, Cody was a little down about the whole thing. I wanted him to realize that I was upset by the way he's been treating me, but the last thing I want is to make him feel like a bad person.. Because he's not!

As a result, he wrote me back through email so I could see it at work (he was off on Monday) giving his input on several of the points I made. It went really well, even though he was still upset when I got home. Upset enough that he registered for classes to start in January so he can finish his degree and we can pull ourselves out of the debt we're in (after he graduates and finds a better paying job, of course). He acknowledges my desire to be a house-wife and understands that he needs to do what needs to be done to get me there. He also wants to be nicer and more respectful to me. It won't be overnight, but that's the first time I've really gotten him to acknowledge my feelings on the matter.

This week went pretty well. He's been especially sweet to me and even made me breakfast this morning. He wasn't sweet the whole time, but I'm doing better with telling him when he's being an ass. Cody is a really good man and I'm realizing that more and more everyday that I observe him. I love him!

Blunt friends..

Cody and I have gotten to the point where we are mostly happy, but we have trouble sometimes. At least, that's how I felt until I talked with my best friend Jess yesterday for five hours. I guess I've been so busy telling myself that I really am happy, I don't really know how I feel anymore. It started out as just talking to my best friend about what's new. That led to talking about latest fights and then Jess asked more about how he talks to me and what he expects of me.

Because I want so badly to be the wife and mother who takes care of everything, I've taken it upon myself to do it, even though I don't have the means, time, or energy to do so. I just don't. We both work full time, and even though I get home before Cody, I don't have the imagination that comes from feeding a family for 25 years (i.e. coming up with something to make off the top of my head) and I guess I feel pressured to be like that.

I've talked about this before, but Cody doesn't treat me like an adult, let alone his wife. Whether or not I've done things to make him feel superior to me, I don't deserve it and I can't let him get away with it anymore. Jess just listened to me give her examples of this endless circle and then spent an hour talking me through how I can effectively express these feelings to Cody. Moral of the story is: I want to be married to Cody. I'm in love with him and I want things to work out. But that doesn't mean that I should put up with things I'm not happy with just to keep him happy. I shouldn't have to walk on egg shells like I do. What's most frustrating is that even though he treats me this way, I've never really done anything to stop it.

My new task is to talk to him. I've decided that to get my words out the right way, I'd rather write him a letter. That way, I won't lash out if he interrupts me or argues. And he can't walk out of the room when I'm talking. I won't cry.. I don't know what's going to happen, but I fasted today so that his heart would be softened and that I would be able to choose my words carefully.

Blessing?

I know you guys have read about my frustrations about not being able to start our family because of work and finances.. But I'm starting to think our excuses have actually benefited us. We will celebrate our 5th anniversary in February and it's great. We probably won't even end up doing anything fun, but we've been lucky enough to travel to Cali the last four years. These past five years have been some of the hardest, most stressful years of my life. I can't say for sure, but I think I would've thought more seriously about getting married, had I actually thought about it at the time. But these years have also been the most rewarding and enlightening I've had. That being said, what would this time had been like if we'd been able to have children right away? I wasn't ready for marriage, and I am still doubtful as to whether or not I am ready to be a mother. But I know that after these five years, I'm much closer than I would have been back then.

Life is crazy, and I'm still not where I want to be personally. I don't feel like I know who I am, and having children wouldn't make that any easier. Since I can't just go hitch-hiking across Europe to find myself, I know that I just need to fully rely on the Lord to guide me in the right direction and to work on me. This past year has been wonderful since finding my new job, but I feel I've drifted away from the good habits I took

up to get through the hard times last year. I'm a textbook example of taking things for granted when times get good. Things are still really good, but I find that I'm getting discouraged much too easily the last few weeks and I know why. I just need to do what I'm supposed to, and hope that Cody will follow my good example. I'm just glad I didn't get laid-off to get the point across this time.

And for warm fuzzies... One of our anniversary photos: