green..

We got news yesterday that two of our closest friends are expecting their first baby together. I'm so happy for them, but I'm having a little pity party right now.. I was surprised to hear Cody say that he is jealous when we were getting ready for bed last night. Then started the inevitable "maybe we should just do it and figure things out later" conversation. I know that it would most likely be ok for us to do that, but I still get anxiety thinking about it. We've considered doing that several times in the past, but we always chicken-out at the last minute. I was feeling extra tender last night when we were talking about it, but my attitude was wrong.. I wish I had suggested we pray about it instead of feeling negative. As a couple, the only time we've relied on prayer for decisions was deciding whether or not to get married.

Cody is a negative person and is constantly making himself stressed because of things that are out of his control. Starting a family has got to be up there on that scale, so I don't expect him to be mister optimistic about it. But as a woman, I can't help but think that his reluctance has something to do with his feelings about me as a potential mother. Or what if he's worried we won't stay together? We've been married for almost 7 years now, so I think that we're staying together. But having a baby can change everything. I worry about being a mother too, but I can't help but think that it's what I'm meant to do. Not just because it's what the church expects of me. I know that's where I want to be someday.

Even though I'm feeling a little down about this, I know that having such close friends start their family will definitely be eye-opening for us. Especially since they've been married for 2 years, compared to our almost 7 years. Feeling negative and worried is not what Heavenly Father wants us to feel like when considering starting our family, so I know these feelings are not coming from Him. We definitely need to get our priorities in order and pray about what to do.

Unexpected

Last year, my cousin committed suicide. Honestly, I wasn't very close to him, but we had spent a lot of time together when we were younger, so I still felt close to him. The sorrow I felt was mostly for his family and the pain that they had gone through, as I'm sure they continue to go through. Once the initial shock wore off, I wasn't expecting to continue to dwell on what had happened. Suicide affects everyone, but I had never known anyone personally to have gone through that. I realized pretty quickly that it had affected me more than I could see myself. Even though I am desensitized to most violence in movies and television, I have a very hard time handling suicide in the media. Especially when it comes to the way that he died. Even more unexpected for me was that I have trouble watching zombie shows for the same reason. With the rising popularity of the zombie trend, I'm encountering this more and more. I didn't type this up for sympathy... I just wanted to get it out of my mind. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I felt like this would be a good outlet. His family is coping with the loss, but I know they will never be the same with such a violent and sudden ending to his life. This has made me more painfully aware of the responsibility we have as citizens to pay attention to our surroundings and the people who share in our lives. Blaming is the wrong thing to do in this situation; we need to press forward with a renewed hope of helping those around us to be happy.

Titanic 3D

Last night I ventured up to Sandy to see Titanic in IMAX 3D and it was pretty great! I had forgotten how much I enjoy that movie, but it really helped to see it on the BIG SCREEN and see it with more adult eyes..

When I first saw it when I was 13 *gasp* I was sucked into the Jack and Rose romance and their relationship/separation were the reasons why I cried. Sure, seeing all those people suffering didn't help, but I was more concerned with how unfair it was that Rose had finally become independent of her mother, then to have Jack *SPOILER* die. Oh, to be young again.

As I watched it last night, I realized that their story would be very sad if it had, in fact, actually happened. But it didn't! Of course I cried, but I noticed that the waterworks stopped once the attention was just focused on Jack and Rose. I just don't care about the fictional characters anymore. And I don't know if I can attribute that to the natural maturing that has occured in the past years or just that I actually care about the events that took place on that terrible night. I would say the latter, because I have actually become pretty interested in passenger accounts and reading about the ship itself.

All in all, it was a very enjoyable night! I knew when to avert my eyes and I remember now how much I love that movie. James Cameron is a little overrated, in my opinion. BUT I do believe he did a spectacular job with this movie. Was remaking it really necessary? Maybe not. But I sure enjoyed it!

Day One: Love is Patient.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. -Ephesians 4:2

"Love is built on two pillars that best define what it is. Those pillars are patience and kindness. All other characteristics of love are extensions of these two attributes. And that's where your dare will begin."

"The irony of anger toward a wrongful action is that it spawns new wrongs of its own. Anger almost never makes things better. In fact, it usually generates additional problems. But patience stops problems in their tracks. More than biting your lip, more than clapping a hand over your mouth, patience is a deep breath. It clears the air.. It is a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you, and shows discretion instead of returning evil for evil."

"Do you find that anger is your emotional default when treated unfairly? If so, you are spreading poison rather than medicine."

He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly. -Proverbs 14:29

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute. -Proverbs 15:18

"Patience is where love meets wisdom. And every marriage needs that combination to stay healthy."

"Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails."

For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

Did anything happen today to cause anger toward your mate? Were you tempted to think disapproving thoughts and to let them come out in words?


I didn't actually have a lot of opportunity to accomplish my dare today. There were a few times that he got on my nerves and I didn't actually handle it very well. I'd like to extend this to tomorrow and see how it goes. Cody isn't actually the one in our marriage who makes the most mistakes.. but he does require a lot of patience when it comes to wanting my attention or for me to laugh at him. 

Love Dare

I never thought that having a spouse not involved in my religion (for the last few years of our marriage) would really control the way that I chose to be involved. Over the years, I've definitely come to find out that's false, but never to this extent. Something I truly believe I should be doing is, at this point, not something I'm allowed to do. Due mainly to our finances, but I believe he isn't allowing it also because he doesn't believe I should have to. To attend the temple, however, this practice is required and I am more than happy to oblige. I've been without the blessings of the temple for over a year now and so I have a hard time not being bitter toward my husband for preventing me. Whenever we argue about it, he cruelly suggests I walk to work and sell our car so that I can do it. Or get another job. Right now, I have a full-time warehouse job. Truth be told, it doesn't pay a lot, but it is full-time. I have also been picking up extra shifts doing data entry for an alarm company. Now that the weather is getting better, I have half a mind to take him up on that suggestion and walk or ride my bike to work. My main job is in the same town we live in, so it wouldn't be hard to do that. But if it came down to that, he wouldn't sell my car because we both love it. The point I want him to see is that the sacrifice is worth it to me. I would gladly walk everywhere if it meant I could attend the temple. And this is where I see how being married to someone who believes differently is hard.

So, I've decided that now would be a good time to try The Love Dare. I've attempted it in the past, but I never got more than 5 days into it. Being bitter and resenting him isn't going to help him find his way back to the church. Patience, love, and understanding will. I've been trying to get him to come back for the last 4 years or so, to no avail.

When I first started typing this, I was on the verge of tears, but now I feel much more calm and I know that means that what I'm about to do is good. Who knows, it might not even give me the exact results I want. But the point is to be more loving and kind towards my husband and maybe he will repay me in kind. I would like to document my progress here, to also help me write more. So wish me luck! I know I cannot do what I am attempting without the Lord's help, and in his own way, I know he will help me.

Gifts for weight-loss?! SURE

I ordered two shirts online from one my favorite bands and they came in the mail today. I tried them on and BIG SHOCKER they're a little tight.. They were on sale, so they didn't have as many sizes; I thought for sure that getting a large would be enough. I gained some weight over the holidays (another BIG SHOCKER), so I'm actually not surprised they don't fit. To help me reach my goals, I'm going to gift-wrap my shirts. When I've lost what I gained over the holidays (roughly 10 lbs, rounding up of course), then I can open them and wear them! Hopefully 10 lbs will be enough. If not, they'll get wrapped again and I'll lose another 10! I think that's fair, considering wearing shirts that are too tight always lowers my self-esteem. The point is, I've been getting too comfortable with my lifestyle, thinking I was at least maintaining my weight (WRONG). So, I've decided that bribing myself with clothes is going to have to be my next tactic. Here are photos of the shirts, bask in the awesomeness, I say!!

*****************EDIT******************

Before photos .. Hopefully to be followed up by awesome after photos! Just a reminder, I am not pregnant! Even though some of these might look like a side profile similar to those done by pregnant women, I am not one of them yet. Don't get too excited haha

everyone else is doing it..

for original source

“For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.


People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.


When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:


1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.


2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.


3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.


4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.


5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying."