We got news yesterday that two of our closest friends are expecting their first baby together. I'm so happy for them, but I'm having a little pity party right now.. I was surprised to hear Cody say that he is jealous when we were getting ready for bed last night. Then started the inevitable "maybe we should just do it and figure things out later" conversation. I know that it would most likely be ok for us to do that, but I still get anxiety thinking about it. We've considered doing that several times in the past, but we always chicken-out at the last minute. I was feeling extra tender last night when we were talking about it, but my attitude was wrong.. I wish I had suggested we pray about it instead of feeling negative. As a couple, the only time we've relied on prayer for decisions was deciding whether or not to get married.
Cody is a negative person and is constantly making himself stressed because of things that are out of his control. Starting a family has got to be up there on that scale, so I don't expect him to be mister optimistic about it. But as a woman, I can't help but think that his reluctance has something to do with his feelings about me as a potential mother. Or what if he's worried we won't stay together? We've been married for almost 7 years now, so I think that we're staying together. But having a baby can change everything. I worry about being a mother too, but I can't help but think that it's what I'm meant to do. Not just because it's what the church expects of me. I know that's where I want to be someday.
Even though I'm feeling a little down about this, I know that having such close friends start their family will definitely be eye-opening for us. Especially since they've been married for 2 years, compared to our almost 7 years. Feeling negative and worried is not what Heavenly Father wants us to feel like when considering starting our family, so I know these feelings are not coming from Him. We definitely need to get our priorities in order and pray about what to do.
Here's my thoughts which you may ignore if you don't agree. When Kris and I decided to have Kairo, we were also moved to consider this decision by discovering friends of ours were expecting. Hard not to do because you feel like, well their doing it maybe we could too! And yes we prayed about it, although we both look at this process completely differently now, I think we both our personal feelings/personalities played into the outcome. I came out of that prayer feeling like, no, we shouldnt do it because I had a lot of fears about the financial aspects and other parts. Kris came out of it feeling the opposite! We were in the mountains and he said "I just look around and up here everything just works out, nothing thinks, should I, shouldnt I, what about the money, what about the work, it just happens and it works itself out." Not in those exact words but I thought that was pretty damn poetic and I was convinced then it was the right thing. So glad for Kris's beautiful outlook in life :) And then we had Kairo! I had no idea what we were getting into, and yes it was and has been harder than anything I ever imagined and has tested our marriage in ways I didn't imagine before. I don't regret it for a second though! We have grown leaps and bounds as people, and yes it was hard, sometimes painful but we also have these beautiful little people that fulfill us in ways we could never have been in any other way. Anyways, I say go for it! You guys will be awesome parents and I promise, you will be so happy you did despite any challenges you face because of it. Love ya, Heidi
ReplyDeleteThank you, Heidi. You and Kris have always been such great examples to me of love and I really do appreciate your words. Cody and I are going to be taking a few days off of work before Christmas and I think that we will just have to talk it out and see where we go. I worry that if we wait much longer, our chances of getting pregnant will be even lower. Thanks again, sis!
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