At a loss..

I've been struggling with some feelings for a while now, so I'd like to get these out in hopes of feeling better. And I don't want it to sound like Cody is some kind of monster, even though he could be a little kinder in a lot of ways. I really, truly, believe that these feelings are coming from many different points in my life and I'm just coming to them now.


I guess I don't feel hopeful that I will ever live up to mine or Cody's expectations of myself. I'm sorry if this is cryptic, but I'll try to be clear. Cody's expectations of me might be unreasonable sometimes, and I'm ok with that. I guess I just don't feel like he'll ever really be happy with me. That sounds super harsh, but it's what I'm seeing. It just seems like I disappoint him or I make him sad more often than not and that's not fair to either of us. Whether it's with wifely duties or reacting the right way to the things he says/does, or just acting like an "adult" .. I feel like it's hit and miss a lot of the time.


With the wifely duties, one of my dreams has always been to be a stay-at-home-mom to our kids and to keep the house clean and just be awesome. Even though I truly, truly want to be that, I can't seem to get into the habit of doing things when they need to get done (i.e. seeing something on the floor and picking it up, dusting the windowsill when I see it needs it, etc.). Cody doesn't like that I feel like it needs to be a habit or a routine. But I feel like that's the best way for me to remember everything. My memory is another big issue with him and I do see that it is a problem. I just forget things! I forget that he asked me to pick up his glasses from the doctor or pick up something at the store, or just to be aware of what we have in the pantry/fridge. I really wish I had a better memory, but I feel like it's beyond my control at a certain point; I can only try so hard.


I guess being an "adult" is really hard for me too. But I have no idea how I can fix this as quickly as he seems to expect it. Sure, I went to a year and a half of college down in Cedar City.. But I had two very mothering roommates who pretty much took care of me, my parents paid for everything, and whatever I didn't eat at the cafeteria was pb&j or mac&cheese. I know how to make food that I like if I have the recipe, but I don't really know how to cook. I love my mother, but I feel like I didn't learn anything from her while I was growing up. I'm just immature when it comes to these things.


I'm super sensitive.. It's gotten worse since being married, but I've always taken things too personally and beat myself up over everything. I enjoy being sarcastic with my friends and family, but it doesn't ever seem to work with us. He is sarcastic when it's not appropriate (when he's angry, which I translate into being snotty) and it really hurts my feelings. I am sarcastic when I feel it's appropriate and we're joking with each other, but he takes it personally. I've all but stopped being that way because I don't want him to think I'm being mean. I think I'm a pretty sweet person, but I can be catty sometimes. Cody is catty all of the time, it seems. There are so many double-standards in our life and it's dizzying to keep up with them. He can tickle me, be sarcastic with me, pinch me, laugh at me.. No matter what my mood is like. But heaven forbid I pat his butt or joke around with him when he's in the wrong mood.


Sometimes I wish he would just wize up and leave me. He is someone who says hurtful things when he's upset, so he has told me several times "If this does not stop, so help me.." and I just want to tell him to just leave me if he's so unhappy with me. If I make him so miserable all the time. I KNOW that he loves me and that I make him happy sometimes, but is that enough? Is he going to leave when we have kids? I know it would be one of the hardest times of my life, but if he would be happier with someone else, I want him to just do it already. If I had known that he would be so stressed because of me, I don't know if I would've married him. Again, harsh.. But it's the truth. I want to have therapy together, but he thinks it would be a waste of money because we can just talk at home. Talking isn't working, so I'm at a loss.


Last night before going to bed, we had been arguing about something stupid that had happened in the bathroom while we were getting ready for bed. The end of the night was him saying that he wished we could just work harder to get along with each other. And I just feel like, all I ever do is try to make sure I'm doing what he wants and not doing what he thinks is annoying, stupid, etc. ALL of my energy is wasted on his eggshells and I just can't live like this and talking about it hasn't helped. I am going to continue to pray for patience and love and forgiveness (for both of us) and hope for the best. I'm not miserable. For the most part, I'm happy. I feel like this when he does and apprently it's pretty often. He asked me why I've been acting "weird" for the last little while and I have nothing to say to him. I have no idea what he might be talking about!


I feel better, thanks for listening.