Without him..

So, I only have three days left until my lovey comes home to me. Even though I haven't burnt down the house, killed the plants (or our pet snake, Liz), or left the doors unlocked while being away (thus letting the neighborhood prowlers in), I've come to the frustrating realization that I am hopeless without my husband. I've done all of the chores I needed to do, I've spent time with friends and family, and I've gotten up in time for work (very early, in fact) every morning, all by my lonesome.

I'm fairly certain that when I hear him pull up on Saturday afternoon, I will lose all composure. Don't think for a second that I've been a brave little wifey while he's been gone. I've probably cried every day, so don't be fooled by my confident facade! Cody has been bored and a little homesick while attending training over in Houston, so any time I've spoken to him, I've done my best to assure him that it will all be over soon and he won't have to do any training for at least another year. And that has helped me as well, but I feel that I've come to a more in-depth conclusion through these last few weeks.

I'm just not independent! I can't spend two weeks painting, working, taking photos, and cleaning the house and be peachy about it. I'm sure this has a lot to do with the fact that I wish I had a different job right now.. But I can't help but wonder if there is something else wrong with me. No, I know there is something wrong with me, but I just don't what to do about it. I'm to the point now where I pray every day for comfort, strength, and patience to overcome this crappy time in my life. I am so blessed to have the things I do, but it just seems like I am just too much of an emotional mess to handle it by myself. But God can only lighten my load so much before He is taking away my pain completely, which doesn't help me learn my lessons and grow as a person.

As luck would have it, Cody's insurance doesn't cover mental health. BYU offers a discounted program where you can meet with the graduate students (supervised by the professors) and have sessions with them. Before I result to that, I think I will just meet with the bishop and see what advice he might have for me. Cody and I are not perfect and there are things that need to be worked on in our marriage, but I think I need to look inside before we can fix our relationship.

I'll stop rambling now.. I'm at work and I just needed to get these thoughts out. I'm just so sick of being such a downer. I used to be such a happy person, and I don't know when that changed, but it's not fair to me or Cody (he has noticed a change as well).. Don't feel obligated to give me advice, I'm just trying to get my feelings out. I'm not a risk to myself or anything, I'm just down! Hopefully things will get better soon!