Tuesday, the latter half, Cody and I were constantly fighting. It's complicated, but it basically comes down to the fact that we got married too early. I wasn't able to be independent before I became dependent on Cody. I go with him to hangout with his friends, I have to watch movies with him, we go to the store together, etc. I also depend on others for fun. Others, meaning my family, friends, etc. When presented with this argument, I knew it was true. I used to be a much happier person before getting married, and I don't remember what I was doing before that made me so happy. I'm thinking that it was my involvement in the church. I was laurel president, then I was in the nursery, I went on that church history tour, EFY, and my wards youth conference. Now, we're lucky if we go to sacrament once a month, let alone to all of the meetings. I know that regular scripture study, prayer, and church attendance (and possibly a calling...eek) would help us a lot. I just don't know what to do about my independence.. It's not realistic to say that I need to venture out on my own..because I'm married! I have bills to pay and my house to clean! I guess what I'm trying to say is..how can I fix my dependency if I can't really be independent?
It was a long quiet ride home from my brother's birthday party that night. I just don't know what to say when he's mad. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells, I don't want to make it worse, but I'm not sure what will. But as we were driving home, one of my best friends Brittni called me. She said that she had felt like she needed to call me. Just when I thought I'd have to be silent the whole way home (you could cut the tension with a knife!), my Binny called and made me feel so much better. I just hope that someday I'll be able to act on a feeling like that and help a friend in need.
Oh sad Felic. That's what I'm afraid of too and I guess that's why it's taken me so long to jump on the bandwagon. I'm glad for it though because I've become a lot more independent than before and I guess I needed that. You can develop your independency by maybe taking up a new hobby, or even going out and doing things with your girlfriends or by yourself. It sounds kind of lame, but I like doing things by myself a lot because I think about everything going on in my life and I learn new things, and make myself do things that I normally wouldn't do, like working out or going someplace to eat and trying new things. I don't know what it's like to be married, and I understand that you can't just up and leave to find yourself, but you can do little things and the little things are the ones that'll help you out the most. And you are a great friend, and I'm sure your intuition will kick in when one of your friends needs a good phone call. Church is hard to go to sometimes, but I know I'm happier too when I'm active and participating. You are a great person and maybe it's time you do things for yourself, within your marriage.
ReplyDeleteWell good, because I'm glad we can exchange advice like this too! It's always nice when you have someone you can talk to and relate to and take advice from. I know what you mean, because everyone always asks me when I'm getting married and all I can say is, "when I'm ready." Because I know I'm not. The idea is nice but when grasped with the actual concept, it scares me! haha. My boyfriend is really good though, and so I'll see how we fare throughout this relationship. I've dated a lot of guys too and each one has helped me to be a lot more independent and picky about what I want in a good relationship and in a person. Don't worry, solo excursions are so not lame. They're kind of fun!
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